By: 01.14.08  •  121 Comments

There’s a feature on Esquire right now called "Jerry Bruckheimer’s Laws of Science".  Here’s a snip:

The Law of Jurisdictional Authority
Your jurisdictional authority, on a scale of zero to infinity (with zero being rent-a-cop and infinity being God), is determined by the equation: JA = 196,935,000 x (a/t). This is the surface area of the earth in square miles, multiplied by the number of threatening asteroids in space (a), divided by the time in days (t) until impact.

Proof: With a single asteroid set to hit Earth in 18 days, the characters in the movie Armageddon possess a deity-esque jurisdictional authority of 10.9 million. In contrast, the Department of Homeland Security faces zero asteroids set to hit Earth in zero days, nullifying its authority completely.

Oh snap!  Burn, Mr. Bruckheimer! …I think. That was a diss, right?  I mean, assuming the "New Yorker Cartoon Law of Biting Satire", which states that the jocularity of a particular pasquinade is directly proportional to the abstruseness of the language in which you couch it, it was hilarious.  

I just resort to calling him Poopeater McSucksalot because I don’t know from funny.

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