SIMON PEGG HAS REALLY BIG HANDS
OLYMPIC TRAINING LEADS TO ACHING JAWS

WHORE OF THE YEAR AWARDS

By / 01.10.08

eFilmCritic’s Criticwatch has done the Lord’s work, focusing exhaustively on a little-known phenomenon – film critics who whore themselves out to get their names on movie posters.  It’s a subject I’ve been interested in ever since I blew ten bucks on Atonement (you’re dead to me, Peter Travers).

Their number one whore of the year is Pete Hammond, a guy who was such a whore that he got fired from Maxim.  Getting fired from Maxim for being a whore is kind of like getting fired from Entourage for being a douchebag.  Anyway, some of Hammond’s greatest hits:

Mind-bending! Jim Carrey skillfully leads us on a twisted trek with hair-raising jolts. A must-see movie. (The Number 23)
National Treasure: Book of Secrets – Heart-pounding action! Total entertainment from start to finish!
The Game Plan – A comic touchdown for The Rock!
It’s hot stuff. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony set off fireworks. El Cantante scores big time. (El Cantante)
Beyond spectacular! Transports you to an alternate world of jaw-dropping awe and unforgettable adventure. (The Golden Compass)

They also do a Top Ten whores of 2007 – I’ll sum up after the jump, since Critic Watch is nothing if not longwinded.

10. Steve Oldfield from Fox-Tv 19 Cincinnati.

Powerhouse performances! (Georgia Rule)
A magical world! A magical movie! (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
A wonderful film for the entire family! Head to the theatre two-by-two! (Evan Almighty)
A rare film that’s both a great date movie and the perfect family film. (August Rush)

 

9. Jeffrey K. Howard, President of the Las Vegas Film Critics Society

Infectious, contagious, captivatingly entertaining. (Resident Evil: Extinction)
Spectacular! Pure holiday magic. (Fred Claus)
Wild, funny and over-the-top action! (Rush Hour 3)
Big laughs! Outrageous fun! An over-the-top comedy that will leave you in stitches! (Who’s Your Caddy?)

 

8. Janet Stokes, Film Advisory Board

Phenomenal. (August Rush)
Incredibly exciting! Thrilling!…Captivating. (The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep)
Families will love this film. It’s a winner! (The Final Season)
Fred Claus sparkles with festive holiday excitement. Families will love it. (Fred Claus)
This is fun entertainment families will enjoy. (Daddy Day Camp)
Wonderful. One of the best family films of all time. (Firehouse Dog)

7. Ben Lyons, E! Online

One of the greatest movies ever made. (I Am Legend)

This despite the movie not even making either of his own top ten of 2007 list (which were different)

6. Mark S. Allen, CBS13

The best Pirates yet! Epic and amazing! (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End)
Brilliant, imaginative and inspirational. (The Astronaut Farmer)
The perfect holiday film! (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
Funny, thoughtful and the most heart-felt movie you’ll see this season! (P.S. I Love You)
See this movie, do not fail! You will leave with a wagging tail! (Underdog)  [Ed Note: Seriously dude?]

 

5. Jim Ferguson, KGUN-TV

The perfect date movie for the holidays. (P.S. I Love You)
A must-see for the holiday season. (National Treasure: Book of Secrets)
Don’t miss this wonderful holiday film. You’ll enjoy this film right along with the kids. (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
Both adults and kids will laugh and scream during this hilarious comedy. Steve Carell, lots of animals and Morgan Freeman as God, you can’t ask for anything more in a comedy! (Evan Almighty)
Entertaining, wild fun! (Wild Hogs)
Jackie & Chris have never been funnier. (Rush Hour 3)

 

4. Jeffrey Lyons, NBC (also father of Ben, number 7)

A genuine, intelligent, scary thriller. (The Number 23)
An excellent thriller. (Shooter)
Sure to be a holiday classic. (Fred Claus)
An inspiring, uplifting movie which pulls no punches. (Freedom Writers)

3. Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazine

Magnificent. (I Am Legend)
A big screen adventure rich with excitement and laughter. (The Astronaut Farmer)
A hilarious comedy for campers of all ages. (Daddy Day Camp)

2. Bill Bregoli, Westwood One Radio

A sure-fire thriller in the tradition of The Bourne Identity. The action is non-stop. (Shooter)
The best romantic comedy in a very long time. (P.S. I Love You)
One of the best screen pairings ever! They will have you on the edge of your seat laughing. (Rush Hour 3)
Would make Borat blush. Finally, an “R”-rated comedy for adults. (The Heartbreak Kid)

1. Shawn Edwards, Fox

Jane Fonda is exceptional. Lindsay Lohan’s performance is phenomenal. Felicity Huffman continues to prove her brilliance as one of today’s best actresses. (Georgia Rule)
Steve Carell is hilarious, touching and completely engaging. (Evan Almighty)
A high-energy thrill ride! (Ghost Rider)
One of the funniest comedies of the year. (Fred Claus)
(2006) The wildest, funniest, most hilarious movie of the year. (Little Man)
The most original film of the year. (Transformers)
The most magical movie of the year! (Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
****…The most exciting movie of the year! (Resident Evil: Extinction)
The best movie of the year! (I Am Legend)
One of the coolest movies you’ll ever see! (Stomp the Yard)

So there you are, Drunkards.  Now you know who to avoid besides your creditors.


TAGScriticsWHORES

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