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THE NIC NOLTE WEEK IN REVIEW

By 10.31.08

Howdy, folks, Nolte here again.  It’s been a busy week but now it’s time to relax.  Personally, when I unwind I like to make myself a nice bourbon-flavored martini, tremored not stirred, garnished with a little gravel, and then find myself a clean floor to pass out on.  Anyhow, here are some of the stories that were grindin my guts this week:

Bond Makes $79 Million in Product Placement
Bond hawkin Fords, I never thought I’d see it.  Though I lost my virginity on the engine block of a Model T.  Brings back memories.  Miss that good ol’ leaded gasoline.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood, Prince
I like them magic stories.  Reminds me a my 6th wife, Conchita, witch doctor I met in Guadalajara.  Whittled her a ring out of a rattle snake back in ’74.

Joaquin Phoenix Retires From Acting
Sounds like he ain’t retired from railin’ percocets, I’ll tell ya that.

Princess Leia Pillow Fight
Heh, looks like my kinda party.  Still, it ain’t a proper Princess Leia pillow fight till you glue razor blades to their forelegs.

Farrelly Bros Direct Walter the Farting Dog, Starring the Jonas Bros.
Sure, them girls is pretty, but can they sing?

Utah Jazz Owner Bans Zack and Miri
Hot damn, I’ve made love to three-legged aardvarks prettier’n that.

Richard Dreyfuss Disses Olly Stone
Stone claims to been in Vietnam, but when I asked him if he wanted to buy a gook ear necklace off me in ’97 he looked at me like I was speakin Mexican.

The Chinese Braveheart
I can’t read subtitles on account a my double vision.  Luckily I know a little Chinese on account a the time I spent as a rat trapper in Shanghai back in ’52.

Sinbad in Rehab
I know I’m an old timer, but when did rehab became the hip thing to do?  In my day if you were feelin bad and needed to sober up, you just got a little hair a the dog that bit ya.  Sprinkle that on a glass a scotch, bandage up your bite marks, and voila, good as new

Nic Cage and His Death Metal Son
Yeah, I bet that punk’s soft little hands ain’t never touched a grave shovel in his life.  Trust me, I know grave shovelin’ callouses when I see em.


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