A big reason that a lot of movies suck nowadays is that instead starting with a good original screenplay, some guy who markets toys or video games for a living hires a writer and says, “Make this a movie,” and then hands him the dumbest f-cking idea in the history of the world. “I want you to do Tarzan, but if I see that f-cker swinging from trees, you’re fired.” Furthering this tradition is Mattel’s plan to do a Hot Wheels movie, even though someone already made it and it was called, you know, CARS.
With Hot Wheels, “there’s a huge scope of what you can do,” Waldo says. “It’s a billion-dollar brand for us. We want to continue making it relevant for kids.”
Mattel has been considering everything from concepts influenced by films like “Mad Max” and “Fast and the Furious” for the actioner. Despite the fact that Hot Wheels is about cool cars, it won’t be trying to turn them into characters.
“We won’t have the cars talk,” Waldo says. “That would be off brand position for us. It won’t be another ‘Knight Rider,’ I promise that.” [Variety]
Oh, thank goodness. Wouldn’t want to go off brand position (which is missionary anal, in case you were wondering). Okay, so the cars don’t talk… Can they dance? Could they rap? Maybe they adopt a puppy? Look, you gotta give me something to work with here, so far all we’ve got is Speed Racer.