Opening this weekend:
Earth – James Earl Jones narrating a nature documentary? Yes, please. The only thing that could make this better is Will Smith yelling “Welcome da Earff!” during the opening credits.
Fighting – As long as we’re doing Will Smith references today, I’d love to use the flashy thing from Men in Black and set it to the time before Hollywood producers discovered MMA. The reviews aren’t nearly as bad as you’d expect, but I’d still rather get punched in the face than see this. “Seems like I been fighting all my life…” Funny, seems like I’ve heard that line 1000 times.
Obsessed – Ali Larter tries to steal Stringer Bell from Beyoncé. Sorry, man, you’ll always be Stringer Bell to me. You’re a decent actor and all, it’s just that Idris Elba sounds more like a word scramble than a name.
The Informers – Boobies and Bret Easton Ellis and Mickey Rourke? This movie will licky boom boom down! Seriously though, the buzz out of Sundance was that this was so bad that people were turning to each other in disbelief during the screening. Kinda like ladies when I’m making love to them, but for opposite reasons.
Tyson – Possibly my favorite trailer voiceover ever: “Tho you know I come from a real poverty thtwucken area, so when I came to live with Cus D’Amato, they live in a 14-room Victorian mansion. And when I first come there, I said, ‘Wow, I could really rob these white muf-ckas.’” What a coincidence, those were my first words as a child.