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KENDRA'S WRITING A BOOK. OF COURSE.

SECRET DWARF HOOKER!!!!!!!

By / 07.24.09

Okay, guys, super spoiler alert.  This is an awesome story, but it will totally ruin the ending of Orphan.  Luckily, we’re talking the Orphan here, not a movie I’d actually pay money to see.  Join me after the jump for the fun!

In the movie, Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaaaard adopt a little girl who sort of looks like Madonna, and everything’s going great until she starts murdering people ;-(.  But since we already know that from the trailer, there has to be a twist, some sort of crazy ending that makes this creepy-little-kid movie different from the thousands of other ones — (remember The Good Son?  It’s hard to outcreep a movie with both Macauley Culkin and Elijah Wood).  So what’s the twist?  As discovered by Vulture in the AICN comments pages:

Esther is really a 33-year-old woman who was born with proportional dwarfism which causes her to have the appearance of a child. She also happens to be a former prostitute, who had wealthy pedophiles for clients. The reason why she has her neck covered is because she was once in asylum and she struggled so much in her straitjacket that it left with her deep scars on her neck.

Allow me to reiterate: SECRET DWARF HOOKER!  OOH WHA AAA AA-AAH!!  Adoption groups have already been calling for a boycott, in the hopes of raising awareness that not all adoptions end in a secret dwarf hooker who murders people.  In fact it’s probably less than half.  But you know who should really be pissed?  Dwarves.  How dare they imply that the only people who’d want to have sex with a dwarf are pedophiles?  It’s simply not true.  I have sex with dwarves all the time, if only because I like to shout “Oh my God, it’s as big as your forearm!”


TOPICS#TRAILERS
TAGSORPHANPeter SarsgaardSECRET DWARF HOOKERSspoilersVERA FARMIGA

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