(“Dey make me wear thees ovair my eye so dat I don’t get esleepy.”)
Paramount’s decision to only screen G.I. Joe for critics handpicked by the studio and their phoney-baloney empty gestures at patriotism (they won’t actually put the US military in their movie but they’ll bend over backwards to use them for marketing – you’re not fooling anyone, you pieces of sh*t) were looking good as of a few days ago when the film was tracking 91% on rottentomatoes. Now that a few people have actually seen it… not so much. It’s down to 41% as of this writing, and the only point of contention seems to be whether it’s just really stupid, or so stupid that it’s kind of fascinating, like a retard who remembers to breathe. I think the British reviews are my favorite:
“You wonder how the actors kept straight faces making this shameless codswallop.” -The Daily Express.
Codswallop? Did he just compare the movie to getting hit with a fish? I think that’s my new favorite word. “Waiter? Back to the kitchen, and take this codswallop with you! We are men, not grizzly bears.”
“I was more excited by last week’s G-Force 3-D, if only because the guinea pigs give the better performances.” -The Independent. [ho snap!]
“G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobblers, as it must now be known, is a 118-minute war crime that does for the army what Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau did for the French police force – except with more fake-looking explosions.” -NewsoftheWorld
Rise of Cobblers? Is… he saying fixing shoes… is a war crime? I’m so confused.
Watching “G.I. Joe” is like being slapped across the face with utility-grade meat for two hours and for all I know, that is exactly what screenwriters Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett did to get themselves in the proper frame of mind. -eFilmCritic
Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Allow me to paraphrase: “YOUR MOVIE IS LIKE GETTING SLAPPED WITH POOR PEOPLE DICKS, YOUR MOM’S FAVORITE HOBBIE.”