The guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 have a new project coming up (Rifftrax) and recently sat down with The Onion A/V Club. They were asked to name the movies that ruined Christmas, and they started the ripping with Papa Mo-Cap, Robert Zemeckis.
Kevin Murphy: I’ll just start the bidding with the entire Robert Zemeckis Christmas movie library. [A Christmas Carol and The Polar Express.] He’s really tried, with his dead, doll-like eye animation that he does, to destroy Christmas for children all over the world.
Mike Nelson: Smack dab in the middle of the uncanny valley, aren’t they? You just don’t know whether to scream or be delighted.
KM: Just to warm myself up for seeing [A Christmas Carol], just to amp up my hate a little bit, I watched the Christmastown/Nuremberg-rally scene in Polar Express. The end, when the elves are marching in formation, and Hitler—oh, I’m sorry, Santa—comes out…
Bill Corbett: [Laughs.] Hitler Claus!
KM: It’s severely backlit behind him, and everyone is just sort of…
BC: [evil voice] “Ho Ho Heil!”
KM: [Laughs.] Yeah. I can’t get on board with Roger Ebert about A Christmas Carol. I think he’s one hundred thousand percent wrong.
BC: Did Roger Ebert like it? Wow. What’s going on with that man?
KM: I don’t know. Maybe he likes misery and horror for children.
Of course, it wouldn’t be the MST3K guys if they didn’t also bring up a Forgotten Classic-style B-Movie:
MN: I’d like to up the ante with my favorite: Santa Claus And The Ice Cream Bunny.MN: It was made by a now-defunct theme park in Florida called Pirate’s World. It was sort of sad. It got closed immediately when Disney World opened, but it was sort of a throwback to old theme parks. It looked really unsafe.
MN: But they made a movie. They just sort of filmed a display they had of Thumbelina, and they bookended it with this story of Santa Claus getting stranded on the beach, and he has to be rescued. So at the end, in a really, really bizarre scene, a guy in a horrible mascot bunny suit shows up on a fire truck filled with kids and everyone just sort of cheers, and that’s the end. He’s apparently the Ice Cream Bunny, although you kind of have to take it on faith.
Jesus, I got through about 1:30 of that before I needed a scotch. That is terrifying. Anyway, I mainly posted this because I can’t figure out who actually likes Robert Zemeckis’ creepy condom people movies and I enjoy hearing other people agree with me (unless they’re hipsters). Check out the rest of the interview here.