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OFFICIAL: MARC WEBB DIRECTING THE JON VOIGHT'S BALLSACK OF SPIDER-MAN FILMS

By / 01.20.10

As

Webb comes much cheaper for the studio and is locked down for only one pic. Deal being negotiated includes options for more pics — fairly standard on a franchise.  [Variety]

The plan for the movie is to be in the $80 million range and feature a cast of relative unknowns (so you can quash those Rob Pattinson or Gordon-Levitt rumors at this point). And the story will be pared down to center on a high school kid who is dealing with the knowledge that his uncle died even though the teen had the power to stop it. [THR]

“We wanted someone who could capture the awe of being in Peter’s shoes so the audience could experience his sense of discovery while giving real heart to the emotion, anxiety, and recklessness of that age…” -Sony’s Amy Pascal, from the press release.

Considering Spider-Man 2 cost upwards of $200 million, $80 million is nothing.  So it’s almost certainly not going to be in 3-D, and will be more Smallville than Superman Returns.  It’s going to star some wiener face who’s the next Zac Efron or Taylor Lautner, and of course, it’s an origin story.  Basically, Sony is making the Jon Voight’s nutsack of Spider-Man movies.  To paraphrase Patton Oswalt on origin stories, “Hey, do you love Angelina Jolie? Does she give you a big boner? Well then here’s Jon Voight’s ballsack!”

(Full bit included, as I thought it was relevant)

[Patton Oswalt, upon meeting George Lucas just as he's about to start working on Episodes I-III]

“Oh my god! You’re George Lucas! I just want to say you’re amazing, I love you! Star Wars is awesome. Just.. thank you.”

“Well, you say you like Star Wars? You know I’m about to start working on some prequels.”

“Wait, you mean, you’re gonna do Chapters one through three? Oh my god! YES! I’ve been waiting so long for this!”

“So, do you like Darth Vader?”

“Do I like Darth Vader? Oh my God I LOVE Darth Vader! With the cape and the mask and the lightsaber? He’s awesome!”

“Well, in the first movie you get to see him as a little kid.

“I… what? Wait, you mean he’s like Damien in the Omen, right? He’s goin around killing people with his mind and stuff?”

“Well, no he’s just a little kid, and he gets taken away from his mommy and he’s very sad.”

“Uh, well…I kind of like the helmet and the cape and the sword, you know?”

“Well don’t worry about that because guess who’s in the second movie? Boba Fett!”

“Holy sh*t! Boba Fett?! That’s even better than Darth! With the suit of armor and that helmet and the cool ship? He’s a badass bounty hunter!”

“Yeah, and in the second movie, you get to see him as a little kid!”

“Wait.. what? So you mean he’s got the helmet on and he’s shooting people and stuff, right?”

“No, he’s just a little kid and his daddy dies and he’s very sad.”

“Oh. Well, I kind of just like where he’s a bounty hunter and he’s shooting people and stuff.”

“Well, don’t worry about any of that because guess what’s in the third movie… the Death Star!”

“Oh my f*ckin God, the Death… wait a minute. What’s it doing?”

“Well, it’s just being built and Darth Vader is looking at it.”

“I kind of just like it when it’s done and it’s blowing up planets and stuff. I don’t really care how they put the air conditioning and the toilets in, you know?”

“You seem very sad.”

“Yes, you’re right. I don’t give a f*ck about any of that stuff. That sounds… horrible! I would never go see that.”

“Would you like a dish of ice cream?”

“Why, yes I would l like some ice cream. That would be very nice!”

“Well here’s a big sack of rock salt!”

“What? You said I’d be getting ice cream?”

“Well, when you add the cream and sugar and ice and do a little mixing and then presto, you have ice cream!”

“I DON’T GIVE A SH*T WHERE THE STUFF I LOVE COMES FROM! I JUST LOVE THE STUFF I LOVE! Hey, do you love Angelina Jolie? Does she give you a big boner? Well then here’s Jon Voight’s ballsack! That’s right! The sweaty, pink ballsack she swam out of. Now jerk off to that, you lucky so and so!”

[From "At Midnight I Will Kill George Lucas With a Shovel" on Werewolves and Lollipops.] -Thanks to Charlie Meadows and all the other people who sent me the Spider-Man press release.


TAGSAMY PASCALJON VOIGHTS BALLSACKMARC WEBBorigin storiesrebootsSONYSPIDER-MAN

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