(“So to anyone who’s ever had a dream: Tonight, YOU are Toruk Makto! *cat hiss*”)
Where and When
In case you’ve been living under a rock or you’re a heterosexual male, the telecast of the 82nd Academy Awards begins at 5:30 pm Pacific/8:30 Eastern this Sunday on ABC. Your hosts are Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin, who are best known for their roles in It’s Complicated. I’ll probably be live-Tweefing from here.
Don’t care about the Oscars? Turn it into drinking game. Remember, kids, drinking makes everything better. So here goes:
- Every time someone mentions Haiti, Chile, or earthquakes; take a drink.
- Every time someone references the Na’avi, Pandora, blue people, Avatar, James Cameron, or 3D; take a drink.
- Every time you see someone wearing a colored ribbon on their lapel; drink.
- Every time you stifle a fat joke about Gabourey Sidibe; drink.
- Reading glasses? Someone pretends to go off teleprompter? Drink.
- Music starts to play before someone finishes their speech? Drink.
- Fat guy with a beard on stage? Drink.
- “I’m honored just to be mentioned with the other nominees.” Drink.
- Someone makes a Meryl Streep joke; drink.
- Random cut to George Clooney in the audience? Finish your beer.
- Winner cries during acceptance speech? Finish your beer.
- Meryl Streep takes a dump on the stage? Take three speedballs and queef on a turtle.
The Blind Side
The Hurt Locker
Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire
A Serious Man
Up in the Air
Should Win: The Hurt Locker. For me, it was just a little better than everything else. It tightened your sphincter without insulting your intelligence — the opposite of what you want in a dominatrix, but perfect for a movie.
Will Win: The Hurt Locker. The people who predict these things seem to be split between Hurt Locker and Avatar. I just don’t see Avatar being anyone’s number one movie of the year. Sure, Titanic won, but that story seemed fresher then and it had weaker competition. But what do I know, I’m just a handsome racecar driver.
Definitely Won’t Win: The Blind Side. Yer changin’ that boy’s laaahfe. *mouthfart*
Kathryn Bigelow – The Hurt Locker
James Cameron – Avatar
Lee Daniels – Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire
Jason Reitman – Up in the Air
Quentin Tarantino – Inglourious Basterds
Another two-way race between Cameron and Bigelow. I liked Bigelow’s movie better, but I give Cameron credit for spending all that money and time trying to perfect the 3D technology, which, to be fair, looked a hell of a lot better than any 3D movie before it. But again, there’s no reason for this award to exist. Having a best picture and a best director is like having a separate award for best plumber and cleanest pipes. I guess what I’m saying is, Kathryn Bigelow can clean my pipes anytime. HEYO! *dodges tomato*
Jeff Bridges – Crazy Heart as Bad Blake
George Clooney – Up in the Air as Ryan Bingham
Colin Firth – A Single Man as George Falconer
Morgan Freeman – Invictus as Nelson Mandela
Jeremy Renner – The Hurt Locker as Sgt. William James
Should Win: Jeff Bridges. I still haven’t seen that movie, but come on, he’s the Dude.
Will Win: Jeff Bridges, for reasons outlined above. Never discount the old “Sorry we screwed up last time” Award. Sometimes people win Oscars for the same reason your girlfriend gets flowers.
Fun fact: George Clooney is nominated for playing Ryan Bingham, which is also the real name of a guy nominated for Best Original Song for co-writing the theme to Crazy Heart. Isn’t that interesting??? Shut up.
Sandra Bullock – The Blind Side as Leigh Anne Tuohy
Helen Mirren – The Last Station as Sofya Tolstoy
Carey Mulligan – An Education as Jenny Miller
Gabourey Sidibe – Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire as Claireece “Precious” Jones
Meryl Streep – Julie & Julia as Julia Child
Should Win: Carey Mulligan. As you can tell by these pictures of her boobs (NSFW), she’s a fantastic actress.
Will Win: Everyone seems to be picking Sandra Bullock. When you consider people are tired of giving Meryl Streep awards, watching The Last Station is like doing homework, Carey Mulligan is too young, and voters don’t know Gabourey Sidibe well enough to know she was acting, it makes sense. I’m just excited to use this picture with the caption “Oscar Winner”:
Best Supporting Actor:
Matt Damon – Invictus as François Pienaar
Woody Harrelson – The Messenger as Capt. Tony Stone
Christopher Plummer – The Last Station as Leo Tolstoy
Stanley Tucci – The Lovely Bones as George Harvey
Christoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds as Col. Hans Landa
Should Win: Matt Damon. Ha, just kidding, that movie was lame and Matt Damon’s character was the lamest part. He was 10 times better in The Informant! Whoever’s choice this was can suck my pienaar.
Will Win: Christoph Waltz. Duh. Easiest pick of the evening by far. He made acting in three different languages look easy. Meanwhile Channing Tatum can’t even speak English. But riddle me this: How the hell was Christoph Waltz “supporting”? He was in almost every scene.
Best Supporting Actress:
Penélope Cruz – Nine as Carla Albanese
Vera Farmiga – Up in the Air as Alex Goran
Maggie Gyllenhaal – Crazy Heart as Jean Craddock
Anna Kendrick – Up in the Air as Natalie Keener
Mo’Nique – Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire as Mary Lee Johnston
Should, Will: Mo’Nique. Almost as much of a sure thing as Christoph Waltz. Oscar voters love a hairy pussy. Uh, I mean brave performance.
Definitely won’t win: Penélope Cruz. People talking about Nine at all is just left over hype from before it came out, when everyone knew it was going to sweep every award because Harvey Weinstein said so.
Best Original Screenplay
The Hurt Locker – Mark Boal
Inglourious Basterds – Quentin Tarantino
The Messenger – Alessandro Camon and Oren Moverman
A Serious Man – Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
Up – Tom McCarthy, Bob Peterson and Pete Docter
Should, Will: Quentin Tarantino. It’s consolation for not giving him best picture or director, even though he made a kick-ass movie. And why not? Who else would write a WWII epic where (SPOILER ALERT) Hitler gets killed by suicide bomb? Though, to be fair, an old guy I met on the bus thought it sucked because “that’s not history!” Touché, old guy on the bus.
Best Animated Feature
Coraline – Henry Selick
Fantastic Mr. Fox – Wes Anderson
The Princess and the Frog – Ron Clements and John Musker
The Secret of Kells – Tomm Moore
Up – Pete Docter
Should Win: Am I only playing devil’s advocate if I say Fantastic Mr. Fox? I dunno, I thought it was pretty kickass. Up was good too. Can we just give them both Oscars and make the statuettes kiss like your G.I. Joes?
Will Win: Up. I think we can all live with that. What I’d like to see now is a buddy comedy starring the talking dog from Up and that sign language gorilla with the nipple fetish (no, not “your mom”, though I like where your head’s at). Additionally, this picture will never get old:
Biggest Snub of the Evening: Anvil not even making the short list for best documentary. You gotta be GD kidding me, Academy. I don’t even know what to say to that.
Runner Up: Werner Herzog for Bad Lieutenant: Nic Cage. I wouldn’t expect these old farts to recognize anything this awesome, but Singing Iguanas! Come on!