It’s been a long time since I’ve had to type or think about Mary-Kate Olsen in any way, and you know what? It’s been nice. I didn’t miss it at all. But now she’s back in this trailer for Beastly, a “modern take on Beauty and the Beast.” She plays a witch, which I guess makes sense. I don’t want to burn her at the stake, but I do get the strong urge to smack her between the eyes with a rolled-up newspaper. Shoo! Stay outta my trash cans!
Anyway, it stars Alex Pettyfer, the guy who I broke the news would be starring in I Am Number Four, playing your typical rich, handsome playboy who’s always all like “I’m good looking and you’re not, hahaha.”
So then Mary-Kate comes and puts a witch hex on him to make him, “as aggressively unattractive outside as he is inside,” which in this case, means bald and with some scars on his face. As if that’d make him less desirable. Please. Giving a beautiful person no hair and a few scars just makes them more attractive, because they’re less uppity that way. It’s why I wrote all those things about Bar Rafaeli. Anyway, he finds out real beauty is on the inside (which he’d already know if he’d ever cut open a stripper) and builds some chick a greenhouse and blah blah blah. On the plus side, Neil Patrick Harris is there for some reason. Man, someone should hire me to write these synopses.