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Sadly not a joke: A Magic 8-Ball movie

By / 04.28.10

Satire is obsolete.  After a

Paramount Pictures has decided audiences are finally ready to embrace the Zen simplicity that is Magic 8 Ball: The Motion Picture.

Universal is gone, and now Paramount has assigned as producer its former production chief, Brad Weston.  The Paramount plan, we hear, is to turn Magic 8 Ball into a sort of live-action National Treasure–style action-adventure movie.  Weston has hired non-clairvoyant screenwriters Jon Gunn and John Mann to fashion a script; the pair have been busy writing DreamWorks Animation’s Boo U., a film about a ghost who — ineffective at haunting the living — is sent back to school to learn how to become a more frightening specter. [Vulture]

Let’s think about this:  The entire concept of the Magic 8-Ball toy is essentially a fancy pair of dice.  You mean to tell me that Hasbro is so f*cking bankrupt of ideas that they can’t come up with a better idea THAN F*CKING DICE??  That their BEST IDEA is to spend TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS on a fancy commercial for THE MAGIC F*CKING 8-BALL?  This is mind boggling.  Not just that something like this can actually happen, but that the guy who came up with it wasn’t instantly strung up by his feet and hit repeatedly in the testicles like a piñata.  The only magic 8-balls I want to see are the ones Quentin Tarantino snorts to give him his awesome ideas.

QUENTIN: Dear Magic 8-Ball, will the wizard appear tonight?  *snort*

WIZARD: Signs point to yes.  Also, listen to this rockin’ jam I just recorded.  No one else can hear it but you, because you are the coolest.


I want more like this!

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