I knew I wasn’t going to be the first to get to this story about Steven Seagal “allegedly” using 23-year-old former employee Kayden Nguyen as “his sex toy”. (What does that even mean? Was he going to tie her around his wang while he choke ‘bates?). But sexy sex slave stories aside, I’d be derelict in my duties as both a blogger and a lover if I didn’t direct your attention to the following, easily most awesome part of the whole story:
Nguyen’s lawsuit said she could identify a “unique physiological reaction” that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other “attendants.” The suit did not specify what that reaction is.
Sweet mother of God. I don’t know if I want to speculate as to what this unique physiological reaction is, as there are so many options, and I guarantee the reality will trump them all. But as it is my duty to try to imagine things like this, perhaps sexual arousal makes Steven Seagal…
- Leave his cave to forage for berries?
- Involuntarily break into a spiel about his new line of organic, essential oils?
- Shout “BRUCE GREENWOOD!”
- Ejaculate grease from his ponytail?
- Inflate the fleshy pouch underneath his chin like a puffer fish?
- Squint super, super hard?
- Hit everyone with a pool-ball-filled bar towel?
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Until then, I think we all know what Miss Nguyen shouldn’t do according to Steven Seagal’s own advice. And that’s visit a therapist:
From the book Live From New York:
David Spade: [Seagal] didn’t want to go along with what the plan was that week, and as a result, I think that was the first week that I heard talk about replacing the host and just doing a cast show.
Julia Sweeney: When we pitched our ideas for Seagal at our Monday meeting, he gave us some of his own sketch ideas. And some of his sketch ideas were so heinous, but so hilariously awful, it was like we were on Candid Camera. He had this idea that he’s a therapist and he wanted Victoria Jackson to be his patient who’s just been raped. And the therapist says, “You’re going to have to come to me twice a week for like three years,” because, he said, “that’s how therapists f*cking are. They’re just trying to get your money.” And then he says that the psychiatrist tries to have sex with her.
Oh God, the rest of these banners are too good not to share: