I know I already labeled Katherine Heigl’s other movie, Killers, “Win a Date with Tard Hamilton,” but I may have been a little premature (as is my wont). It seems she’s doing this whole OTHER movie with the ACTUAL Tard Hamilton — you know, that one guy, Mr. Fergie. It’s called Life as We Know It.
It starts out with Kegel Heigz and Tard Hamz gettin’ set up on a blind date. You’ll never believe this, but they don’t like each other right away. In fact, they might even be complete opposites! Like we’re talkin dueling, paper thin clichés like a positive and negative Rorschach blot that says “FART.” She‘s a prim-and-proper career chick with a neat-ass apartment and a 5-year plan and sh*t. He’s a lovable rogue, as evidenced by his hockey cap and novelty ring tone. To add (*record scratch*) to (*bike horn*), he’s sitting in her SMART CAR wearing a MOTORCYCLE JACKET! They’re the original odd couple! But pretty soon, God has to kill their mutual friend so fate can bring them together. Wouldn’t you know it? Their dead friends had a baby, and they just up and willed that little f*cker to these two wacky opposites! At the estate hearing, the judge took one look at these two unmarried, separately-dwelling Caucasians and shouted, “I SMELL HIJINKS! CASE CLOSED!” He banged his gavel, an old lady slipped on a banana peel, the sassy black baliff shouted “AW HELL NAW!” and a good laugh was had by all. You see, sometimes you find love in the strangest of places, and all it takes is a little baby poop on your face.