When Lionsgate first announced that they had a movie starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, I was all like, “Whoa, no way!” And when it was revealed that Kutcher would play a hitman who falls in love with Heigl’s Plain Jane to hilarious consequences, I was like, “Haha, awesome!” But now Lionsgate has pulled the film The Killers from advanced critic screenings, and I’m all like, “No way, bummer dude.”
Lionsgate’s decision is typical for a film that can only be described as a fossilized goat turd, as studio executives have watched it and determined it’s a complete and utter bomb ahead of time. This method is used to stop critics from destroying any hopes Lionsgate may have of ripping off the public on opening weekend. But Lionsgate denies this, stating that the decision was made because word travels so quickly now that they wanted critics and the regular audience to experience the film at the same time.
Wank dismissively with me, LA Times’ The Big Picture:
Still, it’s one thing to keep critics away–and another thing to come up with a preposterous excuse for doing so. I guess people in Hollywood just love to tell whoppers, which is the nice way of saying that when things go wrong they come up with explanations that are about as believable as BP’s rationale for why its Deepwater Horizon oil spill has been sending as much as 100,000 barrels of crude oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico every day.
When a wintertime movie has a lousy opening, you often read quotes from the studio’s distribution chief blaming it on an East Coast snowstorm. When a director quits a film two weeks before it was supposed to start shooting, you always hear about “creative differences,” when it’s really because the filmmaker, after having one too many screaming fights with the star, said “It’s him or me.”
After the jump, you can read the full statement from the Lionsgate representative. Maybe I’m being too hard on him, but I thought it was a little rude to begin it with: “Dear Retards.”
“In today’s socially connected marketplace, we all have the ability to share feedback instantly around the world. In keeping with this spirit, Lionsgate and the filmmakers want to give the opportunity to moviegoing audiences and critics alike to see ‘Killers’ simultaneously, and share their thoughts in the medium of their choosing. We felt this sense of immediacy could be a real asset in the marketing of ‘Killers.’ “
In this case, the medium of my choosing with be finger painting. In fact, Lionsgate, let me show you the two fingers that I’ll be using.