Danny Trejo has a Cinco de Mayo message for Arizona — ju yust f*cked with the wrong Mexican, ése. So says the new trailer for Robert Rodriguez’ Machete. Of course, Machete began as a trailer in Grindhouse, and at first I just thought I was watching that. And then, BOOM! Robert DeNiro. Then the whole crazy cast started to show up, Lindsay Lohan as a nun, Michelle Rodriguez as (surprise!) a hardcore Latina, Steven Segal as a fat guy with swords, Don Johnson (!), Cheech Marin, and Jessica Alba (UPDATE: And Jeff Fahey. GRR, NOBODY PUTS FAHEY IN A CORNER!). I can’t help noticing that they cast a bunch of awesome male actors opposite some really sh*tty female ones. Does Michelle Rodriguez have more than one facial expression? She seems to play everything as “smug 15-year-old.” She’s like the Latin Avril Lavigne. Theoretically, seeing her in a bra should be hot, but it’s actually kind of scary, because you know at any moment she could flex her pecs and that thing will shoot off and put out someone’s eye. I hear she can crack walnuts with her Kegels. True story.
Of course, none of this matters because MOTORCYCLE-MOUNTED GATLING GUN! Oh man, I bet Jonah Hex feels pretty stupid right now. Bringing a white dude and a horse to a Mexican motorcycle gatling-gun fight. Bush league, dude, bush league.
Viva la Mexploitation film!