Welcome to another exciting installment of FilmDrunk Comments of the Week, in which I reward your charming vulgarity and hope the people who give us free DVDs never get wise. This week, I’ve got three copies of the Predator: Ultimate Hunter Edition Blu-Ray for our winners, “An All-New Digital Restoration Of The Film And Retrospective Documentary.” It hits shelves this Tuesday, and it actually sounds pretty awesome. Meanwhile, next week’s prize will be the unrated, two-disc Blu-ray edition of Hot Tub Time Machine, so don’t desert me for a handsomer blog before then. Ha, just kidding, that doesn’t exist.
Now then. Let’s GET TO DA WINNAAAHS!! DO EET NOOOOW! Our first winner is B.K. in the World’s Most Terrifying Rape Van post. This is my new favorite punch line:
B.K. says: What’s even scarier to me is that the “centerpiece” looks like half of a broken headboard. STOP STRUGGLING, YOU’LL DAMAGE THE HOBO!
Indeed. Next winner, Jessica D in the Human Centipede Cat Toy post:
Jessica D says: But this movie did get released in the states. It’s called Killers. A couple of sh*t eaters get hitched together and we suffer watching them.
Pretty clever, I thought. And finally, I had to give newbie commenter The Jersey Devil the final nod for this piece of charming, referential vulgarity. From Meet the Rape Van’s Owner, Extremo the Clown:
The Jersey Devil says: Extremo looks like the kind of scary-beyond-all-reason clown that would f*ck a nine-year-old in the ass and not even have the g*ddamn common courtesy to use his monkey hand puppet to give him a reach-around.
Well done. So send me your addresses, Jessica D, BK, and Jersey Devil. And now for our honorable mentions (it’s always a bitch editing this down to manageable length — if you didn’t make the list, it doesn’t necessarily mean you weren’t funny).
Token Black Guy says: Pass.
The Mighty Fek’lhr says: The joke is on them, that baby becomes sheriff!
Zero Charisma says: Would smash and then root through her purse for a butterscotch.
Burnsy says: On the back of the “Rob you robbed my heart” sign, it reads “Taylor I taylored this pube sweater for you.”
Morton Salt: [In response to the quote from the fan who hadn't watched the trailers in order to stay 'spoilers free.] Spoilers-free? What about the g*ddamn books? G*ddammit, you stupid c*nt. Even among these assh*les, you really suck.
Stinky Peet: This does look kinda fun. If nothing else it gets my respect for letting the stars act their age. As opposed to “Hi, I’m your bright-eyed 37-year-old new secretary!” or “Hi, I’m a 47-yr-old midget superstar international spy!” [My sentiments exactly. I really wish I'd said that in my post. -Ed]
Shop 101 says: I’m not sure her vajazzling would mesh with my penazzling. It would be like untangling fishing lures in a rolling canoe. [I'm not sure that quite makes sense, but it's certainly a visual. -Ed.]
GlennBeckHasAIDS says: “I live in a van down by the river Styx…”
Burnsy: Hey girl, I was thinking we should play a game. On the count of 3, name the first thing that comes to your mind… 1…2…3… LATERAL INCISOR! Haha, I love games.
Anyway, you kids crack me up.