This is the red-band trailer for Neil Marshall’s Centurion, starring Dominic West (McNulty from The Wire) and Michael Fassbender (if I were him, I’d change my name to “Michael F. Assbender”). I didn’t know much about the plot, so I had a scotch with my old friend Wikipedia and picked his brain.
Centurion Quintus Dias [Fassbender], the sole survivor of a Pictish raid on a Roman frontier fort, is rescued by the legion of Titus Flavius Virilus [McNulty], which has been ordered into Caledonia to wipe out the Picts and to kill their king, Gorlacon. When the legion is wiped out in a surprise attack, Dias and six other survivors race to rescue their captured general before they can head back toward the safety of the Roman frontier.
I was further curious what a Pict was, and my scotch buddy told me they were a confederation of Celtic tribes that merged with the Gaels in the 10th century. The article was accompanied by this picture, which leads me to conclude that the Picts’ chief hobbies were cutting peoples’ heads off and getting a nice tan on their wieners, much like the Dutch.
Anyway, I like sword fights almost as much as I like dudes in skirts, so I was pretty into the trailer until it got to the part with Olga Kurylenko as old tampon-face mcgee here. Who wants to bet that she’s a fearsome fighter despite being a 90-pound model with cornrows? If real life was like an action movie, I’d lock my doors any time I saw a supermodel with too much eye makeup or a hot Asian who scowled. That would be awful, not being able to trust your own boner. I can’t imagine. I let my boner do my taxes.