You might imagine a film with a subtitle as cheesily nonsensical as “money never sleeps” to be pretty crappy, and you’d be right. Oh how right you would be, if you had indeed imagined such a thing. The only saving grace of the film was that between the financial jargon awkwardly crowbarred into “stock Hollywood drama scene part 7b”, there was some of the finest unintentional comedy on which money could be wasted. The best part of it was that during every awful moment, you could almost see a coked-up screenwriter pumping his fist, saying to himself, “YES! THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER COME UP WITH!”
So here they are, the 10 most awesomely terrible lines of dialog that I could remember.
10. “He can’t just take his ball and go home. …He has to piss on the whole game first.”[If he would’ve just said ‘balls’, this visual would be changed FOREVER. Game changer.]
9. “Arguing with your father is like arguing with small pox.” [So… one-sided? Beset by dead Indians?]
8. “Mr. Gekko? I was hoping you could answer a question I had. What is a ‘moral hazard?'” [hmm, instead of Gordon Gekko’s book, might I suggest a dictionary containing the words ‘moral’ and ‘hazard?’]
7. “He had an ego the size of Antarctica… and so did I.” [Gravelly! Gravitas! …Gravellytas!]
6. “California? California is over. California has made more mistakes than Yogi Berra reciting Shakespeare.” [Oooohhh snap! Suck it, Berra!]
5. “He’s a monkey dancing on a razor blade.” [Is this racist? A drug reference? I’m as confused as a hermaphrodite in a daisy chain.]
4. “You look for birds… (*whistle*)…you’re gonna find birds.” [You’ll have to take my word for it when I say there was no more context for this in the movie than there is here.]
3. “Laser Fusion: The Future of the Sun’s Power and the Power of My Son’s Future.” [This was technically not dialog, but the title of one of Gordon Gekko’s daughter’s blog posts on “FrozenTruth.com”. Yes, laser fusion. That just happened.]
2. “…It’s gone viral.” [Stocks! Blogs! World Wide Web! Waiter, fetch me an infographic!]
1. “I know it sounds like Star Wars, love, but… this could be your chance to be Captain America!” [My personal favorite.]
Easily the most idiotic film of the year. LASER FUSION! Feel free to supply your own in the comments.
Honorable mention: “This guy walks between the rain drops.” Yes, they managed to accidentally reference the Chris Klein Street Fighter.
[I also wrote a full review, in case you’re interested]