While Comedy Central has been busy televising roasts of David Hasselhoff, Flava Flav, and Bob Saget (next up, Kid Rock, in January), the Friar’s Club recently took the novel approach of hosting one for someone accomplished, and not best known for regularly falling under Perez Hilton’s poison MS Paint hate pen of fatty rage. Specifically, Quentin Tarantino. A friend of FilmDrunk was in the audience for today’s Tarantino Roast (someone I know, not just a random emailer), and while I’ll have more jokes and possibly audio clips later, for now let’s just focus on the juicy stuff, like Tarantino chugging wine out of Uma Thurman’s shoe.
Tarantino has long denied the foot fetish allegations, but hey, this is a roast. A roast without jokes based on unfounded allegations and half truths is like Richard Gere without a gerbil up his ass. Long story short, Uma Thurman got onstage, told a few jokes and stories about Quentin, and when she was done, she took off her shoes, filled them with wine, and she and Quentin drank a toast. Here’s a taste (of the toast, not the funguswine):
“Throughout our long and glorious — and inglourious — relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs, but for now I’ll just focus on Kill Bill. Deep in the desert, late one night around four am, for once my phone accidentally went off [during a take]. And Quentin screamed, as he does, ‘Whose phone is that!? Whoever’s phone that is is dead!’ And I said, from the dirt pile I was half buried under, ‘That was my phone, actually, so leave the crew alone.’ And he said ‘You let your phone go off one more time and I’ll make you regret the day you ever started acting!’ And I screamed back, ‘That happened a long time ago, motherf**ker!’
And from there, we had some more ups and downs. Towards the end, we were sitting in Quentin’s office during a particularly grueling moment of shooting, and I irritated him somehow. And he said, ‘You do that one more time and, next time we work together, I’m gonna write ‘Bitch’ on the back of your chair!’ And I said, ‘Honey, next time we work together, you might as well write ‘idiot’ on the back of my chair.’ [she may or may not have snapped her fingers in a circle at this point, but either way I think it’s implied. -Ed]
So in honor of that, and the many myths of Quentin and I, darling…”
And then they did their toast. Good times, good times. Anyway, I hope people don’t go all gossip column on me for putting this out there. He drank wine out of a girl’s shoe. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve drunk far worse out of a dude’s dirty rugby boot and I was probably only half as coked up at the time.