Somehow an entire day has passed without the world knowing that on Wednesday night, the Earth reached an important milestone: the first live performance by Tom Hanks’ rhyme-spitting progeny, Chet Haze. HOLLA, SON! Traffic traffic, peep this rap schtick. Accompanied by DJ Asian Chick, C-Heezy lit up the mic at Northwestern U’s Waa-Mu fashion show, where he was also able to give the following interview:
TT: What about a favorite book?
CH: My favorite book, pfft, damn that’s a good question, my favorite book… is probably-
TT: Do you read, I mean, you’re a theater major-
CH: I do, I read a lot, I actually read a lot. My favorite book. Well, a book that I read really recently that I really loved was 50 Cent’s book, it’s called The 50th Law, and seriously, go out and buy that, it’s called the 50th Law, and it’s like, co-written by 50 Cent, and it’s kind of like about, it’s slightly about 50 Cent’s life, but really, what it is, is just pretty much a manual to being a successful person. I think anyone can benefit from it. [...]
TT: What about- you rap a lot about Marijuana, obviously, how much do you smoke? A lot? Obviously?
Yo, fa real tho, Fiddy Cent’s book is truly the Hennessee of celebrity tell-all autobiographies. As the born-rich son of a famous movie star, I don’t know where I’d be without a former inner-city drug dealer’s advice. I’d probably be dead, or in jail, or smoking weed on a jetski.
Who we kiddin’, son, I know you came here for the video:
Poor Tom Hanks. You name your son “Chet,” you just assume “well at the very least, he won’t grow up to be a rapper.” Hell in a handbasket, I say.
Wait, did that one in the middle say her name was Molly “Ballsmore”? Oh yeah, she sounds like a Kappa, alright. (*high fives Burnsy, tapes 40s to hands*)