I know we’re all sick of Charlie Sheen news or at least pretend to be, but as the sticker on the back of my rascal scooter says, “I brake for poems.” On Monday I brought you the news that Troma had discovered in their archives a 1989 film called A Tale of Two Sisters, based on the poetry of Charlie Sheen and narrated by Sheen himself. Brace yourselves for this next news because you’ll never believe it, but it turns out Troma is REISSUING the title and it will soon be available in THEIR STORE. I know, I was as surprised as you. You probably got my cooties when your jaw hit the floor.
They sent over a clip with a new poem, which I’ve taken the liberty of transcribing for you. Just when you’re like, but wait, where are the vagina references? BOOM! There’s the vagina references! Sometimes I wonder if we’d even have poetry if it weren’t for vaginas.
Ghandi’s back teeth pudding [10 points for revolting visual]
When offered gum she repled
No thanks, when I chew gum, I think I chew gum [whoa, deep...]
Korean hair and coconut milk frozen juice bars [sounds like someone composed this at his corner store]
Oversized man fell overboard, splash
Yes, Phyllis, she smokes.
Dog-tooth necklace worn by a cat
The tension mounts
Vaginal riots in the Middle East [did Charlie Sheen predict Libya?]
Do I have a choice? Do I have an option? Mommy, I love you
Boogie mama disco queen, midnight whore.
Peas and onions, of course, peas and onions [of course]