Scarcely a day has gone by since Arnold Schwarzenegger finished playing governor that didn’t include news of a potential Schwarzenegger project. It’s almost as if actors get paid millions and fed free food with an army of people kissing their asses in exchange for doing almost nothing or something. In any case, today’s news is of a project called “Cry Macho”, which Vulture claims will be Arnold’s very next project. Cry Macho? Will there be a part in it for Matt Damon? EVERYONE KNOWS MATT DAMON CRIES THE MANLIEST OF TEAHS!
The movie is based on the 1975 novel by the late N. Richard Nash (a playwright famous for The Rainmaker, he also wrote the Cry Macho screenplay before he died in 2000). Schwarzenegger will play a damaged-goods horse trainer who’s just been ignominiously put out to pasture by his feckless boss.
“I train zouzands of horzez. But now. I am just a broken down peez of meeet, and I dezerf to be alone.”
In exchange for some retirement money, the broken — and broke — horseman agrees to kidnap the boss’s 11-year-old son from his rich Mexican ex-wife. Things take an unexpected turn, however, when the ex-wife is all too glad to be rid of her juvenile delinquent.
Whoa, that went from The Wrestler to Kindergarten Cop in a hurry, didn’t it. Well if anyone can cry macho, it’s Arnold. I really didn’t need to know anything about this beyond the title alone. I like to imagine Arnold in a fit of righteous grief, emitting three sobs and one long Arnold scream, repeated ad infinitum. Huh huh huh, AUAAUAUAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHH! Huh huh huh, AUAAUAUAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHH! Huh huh huh, AUAAUAUAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHH! My God, it would be mesmerizing.