Get excited, folks. Hobo with a Shotgun (which I quite enjoyed) is now available on VOD, iTunes, Amazon.com, VUDU, Xbox Marketplace, and hits theaters May 6th. In honor of the release, I’ve been deputized to give this week’s Comments of the Week winner a prize pack which includes a poster signed by Rutger Hauer, Hobo with a Shotgun beer cozies, and a couple Hobo with a Shotgun beanies (note to the winner: please please please give your beanies to actual hobos and then send the pictures to me).
In more site-related news, I’ve added a new section to CotW called “hate mail.” Now you’ll be able to see all the hateful things directed at me every week, all in one place. Yay, the internet! It’s a little sparse this week, but I’m sure it will pick up.
Now then. The winner. It was a tough choice this week, but I chose based on which comment I most wished I had said in the post. From A Dolphin’s Tale looks incredible on every level:
Chareth Cutestory says: “Shooting my way through the Khyber Pass on my fourth tour, I shoulder-rolled onto an IED to save the entire squad.”
“I see. Well this inspiring dolphin got tangled in a rope.”
Nicely done. So send me your address, Chareth. The rest of you can join us after the jump for the Honorable Mentions. And as always, please use the comments section below as a place to nominate your favorite comments throughout the week. It helps me keep track of them.
A close second, Dingle Berry in The Hangover 2 trailer pulled because the MPAA hates monkey BJs:
Dingle Berry says It’s not without precedent. The original trailer for “Dunston Checks In” was pulled because of monkey salad tossing, monkey reacharounds, and a 40 second scene in which the monkey shat on Jason Alexander’s chest while wearing a pirate’s hat and playing a harmonica.
I was really expecting more Monkey Fufu jokes, but I do enjoy a nice slice of absurdity as much as the next alarm clock.
From Vanilla Ice is playing Captain Hook in a Peter Pan mime show or something:
DeFrank says: I’m anonymously sending Suge Knight balcony seats as we speak.
Nice reference. From Phil Collins’ daughter cast in Snow White reboot:
ChinoMoreno says: I can’t wait for the lesbian scene where Snow White eats Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter.
From the new Wyatt Earp/Doc Holliday sounds like the most idiotic thing ever:
Moose says:
Hollywood Gang dipsh*ts: “Who can we get to direct this?”
Ratner: “Ah’m yoah dingleberry.”
Yes, that about sums it up. I chose this next one not necessarily because it was funny, but on the off chance that it was actually written by Rutger Hauer. From Rutger Hauer whips out a shotgun at Sundance (yes, this post is three months old):
Dontshowmeyourgundickheadbutyourflipcam says: If this is not absolutely fabulous i don t know funny.You guys are killer maDness.Thank you.HopetownhuGZ.Rutger Hauer
So does Rutger Hauer really use phrases like “killer madness” and spell “hugs” with a Z? I’d like to think so. He is a great man.
From Weekend Movie Guide, with the inspiring story of a shark attack:
Stinky Peet says: Did Bethany ever figure out why that shark attacked her or is she still stumped?
Stinky Peet says: I don’t think Bethany was too thrilled with the finished film either, she only gave it one thumb up.
Moose2000 says: @Stinky; you have won this thread; hand down.
From Lars Von Trier’s new film will be depressing and weird:
Crapbasket says: Dogme and mumblecore f-cked and their kid was so hipster it actually used the word ironic properly.
From Hesher has a new trailer cut by the director:
PetePete says: I like the recurring theme of jumping into the pool in metal ways, it reminds me of being a kid.
From Roland Emmerich made a Shakespeare movie:
The Hammer says: PLAYS WERE SO F-CKING IMPORTANT WE SHOT CANNONS…. for some reason… i don’t know.
Dude… were you a consultant?
From Tyler Perry’s latest sounds like his Tyler Perriest yet:
Jack Burton says: There are also only two types of black men. Rich, incredibly handsome and out of touch, or ghetto with no manners. And neither of them appreciates a strong black woman. Oh…and Madea has a gun and yells a lot. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Tyler, will you EVER get tired of making the same movie over and over again?
And finally, from This Bawston Cawmpilation is Bettah Than Those Othah Queah Ones:
Mo Charlo says: Matt Damon cries the manliest of teahs. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
I try to stay away from “NO ONE DENIES THIS” to keep from stepping on Big Daddy Drew’s Tommy from Quinzee, but that was nicely done.
AND NOW, HERE’S OUR NEW SEGMENT, THIS WEEK IN HATE MAIL:
THIS WEEK IN HATE MAIL
So this segment may take some time to grow into itself, but you get the idea. I just thought that since every blogger has his intelligence questioned on a daily if not hourly basis, that this phenomenon should be celebrated. Give you all a peek behind the curtain and whatnot. This week was a little light in hate spewed my direction, but I’m hoping it will pick up.
From Hangover 2 trailer has car chases and Ken Jeong:
ominousinc says: “I’m too cool for this movie, because it is for idiots, but it is a good kind of idiot movie, that I had to force myself to watch the trailer of, because I am too good for this kind of movie, because I am not dumb.”
Awesome review!!!! Two pretentious thumbs up!!!
We don’t use thumbs up in Pretentious Club, dummy, it’s all self-satisfied clove cigarette puffs and finger snaps.
From Your Highness is good:
FernandoDante says:
I think there’s two types of humor: funny and unfunny. The trailer for this movie was horribly unfunny, and reading your excuses for “low humor” just makes it seem even more unfunny.And Walk Hard was more often unfunny than funny. Looooong stretches of boredom during that one.
FernandoDante says: I’m just saying that trailer + this review = yeah, pretty sure it’s not that funny. I’ll save my money.
I suppose it could’ve been more hateful, but it gets major points for casual dismissiveness. Same post:
altrujizzm says: Seems like the only places this movies getting good reviews are the ones that have alot of advertisements for it. Give me a site where its gotten a terrible review while at the same time advertising it and ill eat my words.
I don’t sell or control FilmDrunk’s ads, but you’re right to be suspicious. I guess. Same post:
Acbatz says: Did Armond White write this while high?
Simple yet effective. From Natalie Portman’s dad wrote a book about micropenises:
The Merovingian says: “Oh, and one more thing. These kids are frequently low achievers in school. They sometimes have to attend special classes. Usually they don’t make it to college. But they can still be Bloggers…”
Obvious, but still insulting, I suppose.
And lastly, this wasn’t exactly hatemail, but… well, I don’t know what the hell it is. See if you can figure it out. From a post I did in March of 2009 called “BAD DAY FOR DOG F-CKER”:
Bramin says: Michelle Owen, innocent victim of rape by a dog’s tongue. Now being raped by and a victim of an impartial Justice system which, if she is convicted of the trumped-up felony charges, will keep her from realizing her childhood dream of becoming a psychiatric brain surgeon and the first woman Chief Justice of the Supreme Court who refused to perjure her way to the top like Clarence Thomas did!
Mar 18, 2009 … Indiana Michelle Owen, an intelligent, pretty and youthful 24-year-old, who once had her whole life ahead of her, is now languishing away in a jail cell facing two counts of felony bestiality charges after being horribly assaulted by the tongue of a beagle by the name of Toby. The police are alleging that the vivacious Michelle enjoyed the sexual advance the dog made on her when he briefly gave her vulva a lick after some peanut butter had fallen by accident onto the nubile young woman’s attractive vagina.
Without being advised of her Bill Clinton Rights that she could go on national television and say she never had sex with that dog Toby; the police are now claiming, after repeatedly viewing the video the dog made the terrified woman make of the incident, that they do not believe she was in sufficient enough terror to have passed out without being able to whimper or at least moan for help to anyone besides her ex boy friend who was also present when she was attacked and telling his best friend, Toby the dog, to “Go for it, boy!”
Nor was the young woman advised that if, when sober, she is a dumb enough blond to know what the meaning of “is” is she could have easily said at any time that she hated every horrible moment of the dog licking the peanut butter from between her legs. Legal experts are now wondering if she could have also used the Legal Claws of the O.J. Simpson case by going on a low-speed chase in a Land Rover except for the fact that no one tries to run from the law in a Land Rover anymore due to the cost of gasoline. Therefore a D.A. is arguing she was always free to go offer a kiss to all of the officers’ asses in the precinct for giving her 15 minutes of fame regardless of how much she didn’t want to get it with this amount of embarrassment.
Michelle now has a publicist and an ad campaign manager as well as a book and a movie in the making about her life and experiences with Toby. But her lawyer, who managed to have the death penalty taken off of the table for her alleged crime, said he was not at liberty to discuss whether or not Nancy Grace had contacted Ms. Owen for an interview to ask her what it was like to have her c-nt licked by a dog. However the lawyer did state that because the video, which the dog had made of his crime and then posted on the Internet, was not a close up it will be argued in Court that the State’s assertion that the Sophist Doctrine of Law does not apply which would indicate the evidence obtained is bad fruit and simply a case of sour grapes by the D.A.
For the defence contends that there was no clear and actual physical contact between the dog’s mouth and Ms. Owen’s vaginal secretions which the State is claiming attacked the animal’s tongue. This is because it can clearly be seen in the video that there is a molecular thin layer of peanut butter between the defendant’s bikini line and that of her attackers snout which would at least indicate there was no clear and present danger to society as a whole. That would raise serious questions about the State’s ability to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt even though the young Rogues Scholar was clearly under the influence of a rape drug like Canineabis which would have left her powerless to resist any animal’s advances and despite having already been convicted, to the relief of her accusers, in the Court of public opinion.
Meanwhile, the Interdenominational Group of Jewish and Islamic Animal Whores are calling for an immediate implementation of Shiriah Law. They want, and will settle for nothing less, than for all police officers or agents of the Court who smiled while viewing the controversial film entitled “Michelle Attacks Dog’s Tongue With Her Vaginal Secretions” or were aroused by it or thought about it afterwords should all be placed on immediate suicide watch for their crimes of hypocrisy. This is because 1 out of 20 women, who are sexually active , do engage in these practices and are going to begin assuring those oppressors of age-old Fertility Rites receive their just reward of 10,000 lashes, castration and are then beheaded.
All of the officers in the Special Victims Vice Squad, who were involved in the sting operation against the cherub looking Michelle, as well as police officers everywhere in America would not deny under oath that they had never had their c-cks sucked at one time or another by more than a number of prostitutes they have arrested over the years of their careers just prior to arresting them on morals charges. However a spokesperson for the International Association of Chiefs of Police, which recognizes the Laws of Galilee, stated that he personally could not remember the number of Magdalenes with full lips who he enjoyed swallowing as proof of their vices.
When former President George W. Bush was asked if he would like to make a comment on the story and facts about the case that he is singularly responsible for more death, suffering and human agony than all of the serial killers in the world he smiled and then answered, “Isn’t it great to live in a free country where justice like that prevails and will stand the test of time?”
On another site are the police reports which Beastiality Free Love obtained from an undercover wolf and whistle-blower who has now been put on suspension from the K9 Core and threatened with being put to sleep for revealing facts to the public that were classified as Top Secret under the Freedom of Information Act that has been declared null and void by the Patriot Act due to National Security issues regarding the peaceful manufacture of weapons of mass destruction no one is allowed to discuss.
Man… Was that fan fiction? Slam poetry? Stream of consciousness? I’m so confused.