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Vin Diesel stars in “Ninetuple X”

By 04.29.11

I originally wrote this a few years ago in honor of the third xXx movie they were planning, but in honor of 5 Fast 5 Furious opening this weekend (and in lieu of my normal Weekend Movie Guide post), it seemed relevant.  So here it is, my script for Ninetuple X, which I have since re-written as 12 Fast 12 Furious.

INT. SECRET GOVERNMENT CIA PLANNING BUNKER, MILES UNDERGROUND

The General High Admiral of the CIA has assembled his best agents in one room to come up with a plan.  They stand around the enormous conference table, all of them in black suits and ties; all except Xander Cage Dom Toretto, who keeps his feet up and his shades on, and blows cigar smoke in everyone’s face.  He can’t help it – he’s been blowing smoke in society’s face since the day he was born.

GENERAL HIGH ADMIRAL OF THE CIA
This is it gentleman.  Al Qaeda has finally done it.  They’ve taken over the local high school and turned it into a bombmaking facility.  Not only have they succeeded in perverting the youth, they are on the verge of completing a thermonuclear warhead.  I’ve brought you all here to find out one thing: Just what the hell do we do now?

VIN DIESEL AS XANDER CAGE DOM TORETTO
(blows smoke) Well, general, I think it’s pretty simple.  I think we need to go in there and give these kids a little lesson in non-conformity.

OTHER AGENT
(flying off the handle) You’re insane, Cage Toretto! There’s just no way!  Not only is the facility impenetrable, it’s been booby trapped from all sides!  And don’t count on any help from the kids, they’ve been completely brainwashed!  You’re a loose cannon, Cage Toretto!  This isn’t a time for one of your wildman schemes!

XANDER CAGE DOM TORETTO
(still calm) You know what I think, Dick? I think you spent too much time in the classroom and not enough time in the streets.  Oh, and another thing?  “Impenetrable” was what they said about your sister.  (Smells finger)

Agent lunges at Cage Toretto, and has to be restrained by the other agents.  The General High Admiral holds up his hands to call for calm.


GENERAL HIGH ADMIRAL
Gentleman, I’m afraid we’re out of options.  This time, (he furrows his brow, realizing the gravity of what he’s about to say).. we do it Cage’s way.

EXT. DAY, XANDER CAGE SKY SURFS OUT OF A CARGO PLANE

Closeup on Cage’s mirrored sunglasses as he flips, spins, and twists his way toward the school.  If you can’t do it with style, it ain’t worth doing.  That’s Cage’s way.  As Cage approaches the ground, he pulls his ripcord.  200 feet from the ground… 100 feet from the ground…

XANDER CAGE DOM TORETTO
Time to shake things up.

Cage Toretto cuts away his parachute, falling and falling, until he lands on his waiting snowmobile (slow motion).  He revs the engine and guns it toward the school/Al Qaeda training ground, blinding two terrorists with snow along the way. Cage Toretto powers it up an embankment at three or four hundred miles an hour, catching huge air and sending him and his snowmobile flying over the school walls.  While airborne, Cage Toretto completes a full backflip, then lets go of the handlebars with his hands and catches them with the tops of his feet.  His arms free, he makes the sign of an X over his crotch and thrusts his hips towards the terrorists before sitting back on the seat just in time to stick the landing.

The terrorists shoot at him, but Cage Toretto takes cover behind his snowmobile as it skids to a stop.  He hits a button and from beneath the seat he pulls out his trusty turntables and starts scratching over a sick beat.

TERRORIST 1
(clutching his ears) What is that noise!

TERRORIST 2
(falling to the ground) It’s… too fresh!

Brainwashed high school students mill around, but as they hear the sound of the music, they drop their Kalashnikovs to stop and stare, transfixed by Cage Toretto ‘s ill scratching.  Suddenly one of them snaps out of it.  He kicks a terrorist in the groin, and the yard erupts in a full-scale rebellion.  Nearby, a girl tears off her burqa, revealing a tattered catholic schoolgirl outfit beneath. She shakes out her flowing black hair with bleach blonde highlights.  Another girl follows suit and they grab each other and start making out.  The first girl rips apart her blouse, buttons flying everywhere, and clutches her own breasts for some reason.  Two guys start cage Toretto fighting.  In the distance, a BMX ramp.

XANDER CAGE DOM TORETTO
Now that’s what I call a party.  (turning suddenly)  Dick?  Is that you?

Cut to a shot of Dick, the agent from the boardroom, now sporting spiky blue hair, a stud belt and an oversized Slipknot t-shirt.

DICK
I owe you an apology, Cage Toretto .  I think I misjudged you.

XANDER CAGE DOM TORETTO
You know what, Dick?  I think I misjudged you.

DICK
Bros?

XANDER CAGE DOM TORETTO
Bros forever.

They fist pound and DICK shotguns a Mountain Dew and starts making out with a hot high school girl.

DICK
(yelling) I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!

FADE OUT, to strains of the national anthem.


TAGS12 FAST 12 FURIOUSFAN FICTIONIMAGINED SCRIPTSNOT NEWS

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