It’s been a big week in movie posters, as you may have guessed by the fact that this post is going up a day later than it usually does. I WAS DROWNING! DROWNING IN POSTERS! FOR I AM BUT ONE MAN! But as I say about my period, better late than never. Anyway, times a-wastin’, let’s get to it.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Yes, I already covered this one, but seeing as how that post involved exposed nipples and drew like 30 thousand views in a few hours, I see no reason not to repost the higher-resolution version, solely for artistic reasons, of course. Once again, this one shows ROONEY MARA’S TOPLESS BOOB NIPPLES UPSKIRT CORGI RACING. (*counts ad money*). Here’s the full-sized version of that banner picture. I honestly couldn’t tell if it counted as NSFW. What a disappointing pair of titties. Also, I haven’t read the books, so to me, “Evil with evil shall be expelled” sounds like some sort of renaissance ejaculation limerick. In any case, I’m all for more posters with bare boobs in them, even if you have to shoehorn some British creep in there for the ladies. Hey, dick, how about you smile? You’ve practically got boobs in your hand.
The Money Pet. Good God, why didn’t anyone tell me about this film!? Oh, right, probably because it doesn’t even have an IMDB page. No matter, it is my new favorite. Did anyone tell the producers what a “money shot” is? Look, I love dogs, but even I try to stop before the “money pet.” If only to keep their fur from getting all stuck together.
In Bolivia, Butch Cassidy (now calling himself James Blackthorne) pines for one last sight of home, an adventure that aligns him with a young robber and makes the duo a target for gangs and lawmen alike. [IMDB]
Looks …Eh? I like how they included the silhouette of horses on the left side. Just in case the cowboy hats and old-timey rifles didn’t tip you off that this was a western. “Wait, come back! It has horses too!”
Captain America – Hayley Atwell as Peggy Carter.
Good God, these posters are awful. And sadly, they look about as cheesy as you’d expect for a film directed by Joe Johnston. Everything about this screams “Adult Halloween Costume.”
The ‘A’ is for “Adulteress,” if I’m not mistaken. Hey, was there any costume problem on this set that wasn’t resolved with “MORE LEATHER?” “F*ck rationing, this needs triple-padded ripped-ab armor! Fetch me more pouches!”
Captain America — Hugo Weaving as Red Skull.
You have to wonder if that’s his scary face, or if he just looks like that because he has no lips and has to do that thing with his mouth Uncle Joey on Full House did when he was impersonating a chipmunk. …Really, if you can think of something nice to say about this poster, please, let me know. What the hell is that buckle on his chest supposed to be adjusting? What about the buttons on his shoulder straps? In real life, the Nazi’s uniforms were designed by Hugo Boss (true, btw). Those fashionable psychopaths would never be caught dead in a tacky piece of sh*t like this. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this movie is offensive to Nazis.
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.
Hey look, Guillermo Del Toro is doing another thing. So I guess… this is… interesting. To… someone.
Gun Hill Road. Are there guns? Are there hills? Is it just a catchy name? Find out, this summer!
An ex-con returns home to the Bronx after three year in prison to discover his wife estranged and his teenage son exploring a sexual transformation that will put the fragile bonds of their family to the test.
I LOVE MY DEAD GAY MIJO, ÉSE! Fun fact: Esai Morales describes himself as an “actorvist.” Meaning we could probably never hang out.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 — Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange.
I’m guessing the target audience for this one is anyone who’d know who “Bellatrix Lestrange” is. Sounds to me like the name of a fancy handjob if I’ve ever heard one.
Harry Potter and the [blah blah] — Tom Felton as Draco Malfoy.
Boy, the blonde kid really grew an oddly-shaped forehead, didn’t he? Tom Felton is only 23, by the way. But don’t fret, kid. A huge, weird forehead doesn’t bar you from a successful acting career. Hell, some say it’s a prerequisite. Nic Cage. Tom Hanks, Christian Slater. So much real estate upon which to convey meaning.
Harry Potter –– Alan Rickman as Snigglefeldt Snargletits or whatever.
Nothing against Harry Potter, I just don’t want to research fully, because every person I’ve ever known who’s read the books gets that blank stare and demands that you read them all whenever they talk about it. I’m pretty sure it’s a cult.
Again, yes, because everyone hates being touched and felt by Jennifer Aniston.
Horrible Bosses – Jason Sudeikis
“I’M LITERALLY PULLING MY HAIR OUT WITH ANTICIPATION!” -Pete Hammond
Horrible Bosses – Jason Bateman.
Sorry, funnier when a dog does it. Stick a dog in there. This is supposed to be a comedy, right?
Horrible Bosses – Charlie Day.
Not a bad death stare, I suppose. That’s why he’s the wild card. That it’s taken this long for the cast of It’s Always Sunny to get movie roles tells you all you need to know about the people running studios. “Is he on Two and a Half Men? Eh, sorry, kiddo, never hoid of ’em.”
Horrible Bosses — Colin Farrell.
Colin Farrell has a combover, get it? And he still has a less weird forehead than Tom Felton.
Horrible Bosses. Kevin Spacey.
Nice to see the space man getting roles, I guess. Still, seems a little one-note for a man of Spacey’s talents. From what I’ve seen, they could’ve gotten the guy who played Shooter McGavin for this one.
UK poster for Jane Eyre.
I’d normally be against a poster that’s just two people staring at me while I poop, but there’s something oddly intriguing about this one. Call it the Mona Lisa factor. I feel like their eyes are following me around the room. ASSBENDER! WASIKOWSKA? ASSBENDER! WASIKOWSKA? I can’t stop! It’s an infinite loop!
I assume one of the “wrong moves that could start a war” include jizzing all over somebody’s perfectly good movie poster, the final insult.
The most impressive thing about this project is that it started off sounding like the dumbest idea in the world, and against all odds, with every release of new content it gets dumber and dumber. If there’s anything this movie’s good at, it’s expanding the possibilities of how dumb something could be. It’s inspirational, really.
Gird your loins, this is just the first of many Spanish Smurfs posters.
Smurfs. Google Translate says “The Missing Dopey.”
Hey, don’t they keep saying they’ve solved the “creepy zombie eyes” problem with Smurfs? Clearly not the case. These all look like that scary dancing baby that swept the nation right around the time Ally McBeal was popular.
Smurfs. “Curmudgeon” (Grouchy Smurf, I assume).
Two things I never had to deal with when Smurfs was still a 2-D cartoon:
1. The hats having a burlap texture.
2. Visible pectoral muscles.
Is that Tone Loc?
What, you don’t remember the Scottish Smurf? Yeah, me neither.
I heard in Spanish, “Linda” means whore because that’s your mom’s name. Something like that. Anyway, here’s that whorey Smurf Katy Petty does the voice whore. Er, voice for. Slutty, blonde, and with creepy, dead zombie eyes, just the way I like ’em.
[all posters via IMPA]