PAUL BLART ZOOKEEPER. (Original poster here). Ignore what the actual poster, trailer, and all the marketing materials say, the true title of this film is “Paul Blart Zookeeper.” You know it, I know it, and Paul Blart himself knows it. In this latest poster, it commits the cardinal sin of the “Rom-Com Lean” poster cliché. Well, I call it a sin, but it’s not like this movie could look any more terrible. At this point, it’s just honest advertising. Still, I like the poster I made better:
More festive, no? I could imagine eating a trough of McDonald’s cheeseburgers underneath that.
Cowboys & Aliens. Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford are… VEST BROTHERS (Brothers of the Vest?). Way to style-bite the Jonas Bros, guys. Also, Daniel Craig needs to lay off the Blue Steel. You could put a lump of coal in that guy’s upper lip, and a week later it’d be a diamond. Anyway, this movie looks like the dumbest thing in history (COWBOYS! ALIENS! AMNESIA! INDIANA JONES! ROCKET HANDS!), and yet I find myself oddly intrigued. Damn you, Hollywood.
Crazy, Stupid, Love. So here’s a cheesy poster for a cheesy movie in which Baby Goose plays Hitch (not to be confused with Paul Blart Zookeeper, in which zoo animals play Hitch). Hey, girl, I’m Will Smith! Haha, just kidding, girl, I’m not, really. I just love wholesome rap.
The plot of this one is that Steve Carell is on a mission to win back the wife who cheated on him. Believable. My first thought after my girlfriend bangs a whole basketball team is always, “Oh no, how can I get her back!”
The Devil’s Double. Starring Dominic Cooper as Uday Hussein and his body double. Cool idea and cool poster, though the movie itself doesn’t look all that great. It looks kind of like a faux-Arab Entourage.
Griff the Invisible. Well this certainly looks like an indie movie. I hope it has slo-mo and Rolling Stones songs.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Yet another poster for the final installment of Harry Potter (at least until they announce that JK Rowling has written an epilogue and they’ve split it into 10 movies). It’s cool they just let Helena Bonham Carter wear her street clothes in this.
Civil War vet John Carter is transplanted to Mars, where he discovers a lush, wildly diverse planet whose main inhabitants are 12-foot tall green barbarians. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter Dejah Thoris, Princess of Helium, who is in desperate need of a savior. [IMDB]
Get it? It’s original because the 12-foot barbarians are green this time. Oh movie foreigners, always needing a handsome white savior.
The Guard. I’ve heard this movie compared to In Bruges and Bad Lieutenant, which means I have a big boner for it.
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. I’d respect Michael Bay more if his Transformers didn’t look like incomprehensible piles of scrap metal. What the hell is that, a lava spork?
Tree of Life. Here’s the British poster for Tree of Life. You can tell it’s British, because in America, calling a film a “semi-abstract symphony” is like putting crossbones and a skull with X’s for eyes on a medicine bottle.
Warrior. For the ladaaays. I’m not going to lie, if I absolutely HAD to look like someone besides myself, like, if you put a gun to my head and told me I had to choose one person, I suppose Tom Hardy wouldn’t be the worst choice. Also, you may not realize how much Joel Edgerton looks like Chael Sonnen, so take it from me. Joel Edgerton looks a LOT like Chael Sonnen.
[posters via IMPA]