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Spielberg’s new horse porn looks hilarious

By / 06.29.11

So Steven Spielberg has made a film about WWI, as told from the perspective of a horse (“We always said, filth was the real enemy. Mmm, oats!”), and the trailer (below) looks every bit as ridiculous as the synopsis:

DreamWorks Pictures’ “War Horse,” director Steven Spielberg’s epic adventure, is a tale of loyalty, hope and tenacity set against a sweeping canvas of rural England and Europe during the First World War. “War Horse” begins with the remarkable friendship between a horse named Joey and a young man called Albert, who tames and trains him. When they are forcefully parted, the film follows the extraordinary journey of the horse as he moves through the war, changing and inspiring the lives of all those he meets—British cavalry, German soldiers, and a French farmer and his granddaughter—before the story reaches its emotional climax in the heart of No Man’s Land.The First World War is experienced through the journey of this horse—an odyssey of joy and sorrow, passionate friendship and high adventure.

Now imagine that set to a preposterously epic John Williams score (the melodrama goes to eleven!), and you basically have the trailer.

“I ask you: what could be braver than that?”

HAHAHAHAHAHA!  HE RUNS FAST WHEN YOU WHIP HIM! HE WALKS OFF CLIFFS WHEN HE’S SCARED OF LIGHTNING! TALK ABOUT COURAGE!  Oh man.  There isn’t a single frame of this that isn’t unintentional comedy at its finest.  As for the idea of the heroic, majestic horse, I think Lindy said it best yesterday:

Speaking of segueing into talking about horses, my main beef with horses is how fragile they are. I’ve been watching a lot of Animal Cops: Houston lately, and what I’ve learned is that literally anything is a great reason to shoot a horse in the head. Oh, my horse fell down. It will never recover. Shoot it in the head. Oh, my horse is really hungry and it has a rash. Shoot it in the head. Oh, my horse got mud on it. Shoot it in the head. Great idea, humans-choose that fancy ladyboy animal made of spun sugar and cobwebs to do our strenuous physical labor. Horses. Jesus Christ. What a bullsh*t animal.

Indeed.  As for Spielberg, I suppose we should’ve seen the warning signs with The Terminal, War of the Worlds, and Indiana Jones 4, but it seems he’s finally gone full retard.  Which is to say, I plan on being there opening day for this one (This Christmas! Hoof it to theaters!), wearing my finest propeller beanie and clacking one of those hand-clap noisemakers together every time the horse is onscreen. YAY, WAR HORSE! STICK IT TO THE KAISER!

Don't tell mah horse, mah achy-breaky horse, ah just don't think he'd understaaand...



TOPICS#TRAILERS
TAGSHORSESNICE SHOES ASSHOLEsteven spielbergWAR HORSE

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