Weekend Movie Guide: Super 8, Throw-up, Poo, & Pee

Weekend Preview: I guess Super 8 is gonna be the thing this weekend, because it’s pretty much the only new movie getting a wide release. (Haha, wide release means sex.)

Super 8: The Abrams/Spielberg super-duper top secret alienmonstertrain1970s movie.

RottenTomatoes: 83%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Abrams fashions Super 8 in such a calculating manner, with every element weighed both for maximum nostalgia value and ironic hipster cred, that it has an artificial feel to it. It’s like a birthday cake made of spun glass.”‘ – Peter Howell, Toronto Star

“E.T. texted a homey, Spielberg paid the earth-bound ticket, and now we have Super 8.” – Mike Ward, Richmond.com. [Note: I’m only including this quote because the phrase “E.T. texted a homey” kinda makes my favorite ODB clip relevant.]

“Has moments of greatness, but the ending is a slight disappointment.” – Richard Roeper, RichardRoeper.com

“Loving, playful, and spectacularly well made, Super 8 is easily the best summer movie of the year — of many years. And I make that declaration with full knowledge that the season has just begun.” – Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly

Armchair Analysis: Except for our fearless leader, the reviews are generally positive. I don’t know what that means. It’s either the best summer movie in the history of the sun, a wet fart, or somewhere in between. My biggest gripe is with the SHHH IZ ALL SECRETS marketing strategy. I’ve refused to see movies marketed this way since I took a date to see Blair Witch as a teenager. My date hated it, I wasted like $20, and any semblance of “mood” was killed by some old lady who got WAY motion-sick from the shaky camera. Do what you need to to stir up interest Hollywood, but don’t salt a man’s game, nah mean?

NEXT: JUDY MOODY AND THE NOT BUMMER SUMMER

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer: Some 3rd grader’s crappy summer is saved when she goes to stay with Heather Graham.

RottenTomatoes: 16%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“A film that little kids might find perfectly acceptable. Little, little, little kids.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago-Sun Times

“Some movies make you remember being a child. Some movies treat you like one. “Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer” does both.” – Wesley Morris, Boston Globe

“There isn’t even, really, any point. There is, however, throw-up, poo, pee and lots of running around and screaming.” – Steven Whitty, Newark-Star Ledger

Armchair Analysis: I just have two thoughts about this movie. First of all, that last review quote I posted is my favorite movie review quote ever. It actually makes me want to see the movie more. They should put it on the posters and in the commercials and everything. It sounds like it came from a review of a German porn film. Second of all, remember when Heather Graham wore this dress to the premiere of The Hangover? That was neat.

NEXT: MIDNIGHT IN PARIS

Midnight in Paris: The well-received Woody Allen film gets a wide release. Vince covered it pretty extensively in a previous Weekend Movie Guide, so I’ll skip the review quotes.

RottenTomatoes: 92%

Armchair Analysis: I mean peep this – they say here ninety-two percent of the critics who reviewed this movie gave it a positive review. Ninety-two percent of America’s critics walking around going, “Go see some poo & pee kids movie, or see the new Woody Allen flick. What shall I do?” Ninety-two percent, yo! Hey, you know what that means? It means I gots a ninety-two percent chance of embarrassing myself. I roll up on those critics like, “What’s up yo?” and they be like, “You don’t know twenty different ways to make a neurotic, Jewish art film that’s well-received by a wide range of critics.” Cuz I DON’T, yo.

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