THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: I didn’t get a chance to do This Week in Posters in last week’s holiday-shortened week, so today’s is a DOUBLE GALLERY! OOH WHA-AH AH-AH! Click on for Muppets, Captain America, Danny McBride, and more.
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES: As Brendon writes on our aloof older-brother site, WWTDD, “I guess it shows Gotham crumbling because of something the bad guys did. But I don’t feel sorry for them because when they built their cities buildings into the shape of a bat, they had to know that would be bad luck.” I can’t sum it up any better than that, but I will say that Chris Nolan could Twitpic a shot of one of his dumps that vaguely resembled a bat and people would be tattooing it on themselves. People reeeeeally like batman, I guess I’m trying to say. The trailer is supposed to hit later this week, so expect mass hysteria, even if it’s just a still shot with titles over it.
HEY, HOW’D THAT GET IN HERE! Okay, okay, you caught me, this one’s not actually a poster. Nor is it new. Pretty sweet though, right? I like how they spelled “Earth” phonetically. Gives it more authenticity.
Without Men. I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that I’m probably not going to see this, and not just because it doesn’t seem to have a release date. This looks more off-putting than Christian Slater’s four feet of smooth forehead skin.
Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. Realizing I saw this in January 2010 and it’s still not out until September really drives home just how slow the entertainment industry works sometimes. Hey, is that Katrina Bowden’s scared face? I can tell she really committed to that one.
I’ve read that tagline like six times now and I still don’t understand. “Just giv’er?” I am sorry, but I am not familiar with this contraction. And here I thought I was pretty country. This is like “Hallelujer” and “Good Afternoont” all over again. I do like how Katrina Bowden is in lingerie bent over a rock apropos of nothing though. Haha, she’s always prostrating herself on stuff, classic Katrina.
Transformers 3. This is neither here nor there, but I have an idea for a new transformers character. I call him Woptimus Prime, the Italian equivalent of the minstrelbots from the last movie, based on stereotypes from the thirties. Eh! Why-a you smash-a my ceety, you mamaluke! You make-a you mama cry! (*bippity boppity boo*) (*transforms into pizza dough*) (*bumble bee transforms into rolling pin and chases him around the city*)
I don’t really get the glowing blue eyes thing. Also, how is Bumblebee’s voicebox still not working? They’ve wrecked and fixed that guy like six times, you’re telling me they can’t take five seconds to replace his talk function? For a movie about giant robots from space who are all male and have no apparent means of reproduction yet are inexplicably attracted to human females, this movie isn’t very realistic.
30 Minutes or Less. Can’t go wrong with a poster that pretty clearly communicates the premise of the movie, I suppose. The real travesty here? I saw this last week, but I have to wait until AUGUST FREAKIN TWELFTH before I can have an opinion about it. Do you have any idea how hard that is for a know-it-all like me?
Straw Dogs. SKARSGÅRD!!! I bet a few of our girlfriends wouldn’t mind a pair of spectacles that turned every man into Alexander Skarsgard. We could put them in the bottom of cereal boxes, like x-ray specs.
Sherlock Holmes 2. LOOK OUT, JUDE LAW! SOME CHICK RAIDED HELENA BONHAM CARTER’S CLOSET!
Sherlock Holmes 2. Nice ascot, brah. Not to get all Freudian on you, but all I can focus on is his dong-like gun barrel. Eddie Izzard in a top hat back there seems to be in the same boat.
Salvation Boulevard. Nice floating head poster, but couldn’t you at least match the heads to their correct name? Or did Ed Harris just grow a lot of hair since I last saw him? I actually hadn’t heard of this film until I saw that it was trending 0% on RottenTomatoes the other day.
French poster for The Resident. Red stripe. It’s poster. HOOORAAAY POSTER! Seriously though, it’s like, who designed this, Barnett Newman?! Oh yeah, that was an art history burn. And that is the worst burn of all.
One Way Trip. Do people ever use axes for their intended purpose? I feel like it’s always for choppin’ heads. People in movies use axes for chopping trees less than they use ski masks for going skiing.
Asian poster for One Day. DO IT, ANNE HATHAWAY! HEADBUTT THAT BRITISH MOTHERF*CKER! That’s Jim Sturgess, by the way. I’m not sure I’ll be seeing this movie, but I would definitely pay to watch these two have sex.
The Muppets. Now THAT is an awesome poster. But I do love muppets.
Legend of the Psychotic Forest Ranger. It’s a nice poster, I’m just not sure anyone’s going to know what the movie’s about.
The Hedgehog. Man, that little girl has a huge pussy. /Obligatory. By the way, “The elegance of the hedgehog” might be the best tagline I’ve ever read.
Killer Elite. ‘ow much did dey pay Da Stafe ta do dis movie? Wew Oy didn’t do it fo da free avia’uh sunglasses, now did Oy, Tommy.
Johnny English Reborn. Gillian Anderson, flames, and a kitty. Oh I think I see what you did there, poster designer guy.
Sales trailer for The Iceman. The best part of this movie is that the author of the book wouldn’t sell Lorenzo Di Bonaventura (the man behind planned adaptations of Asteroid and Space Invaders) the rights because Bonaventura wanted to put Channing Tatum in it.
Fright Night. Colin Farell keeps that tape around his wrist to remind himself to act sexy.
Another axe. Again, she’s not using it on trees. The axe industry really needs to do something about this. That’s Imogen Poots, by the way. I like her because her name sounds like British slang for queef.
I still can’t decide whether I like Anton Yelchin. Do something cool, guy.
Flypaper. I like the overall design of this one, but the pictures they used make it look like a rom-com. This movie looks like a nice piece of sh*t, by the way.
Five Days of War (also what I call my girlfriend’s period). THEIR ONLY WEAPON IS TRUTH! Aw, poor Renny Harlin. How far we’ve fallen since Cliffhanger.
5nal Destination. Okay, that’s a cool poster. It helps having no actors people have heard of or anyone whose names are worth putting on the poster at all, but still, solid concept.
Eh? Death has never been closer? Whatever.
The Family Tree. “The perfect sit-back and enjoy the ride kind of movie.” Translation: “It’s tolerable if you try not to think about it. Also, I don’t know how to use hyphens.”
Why is there a dude hanging from the family tree? That’s kind of macabre, isn’t it?
Cowboys & Aliens. OUR MOVIE HAS ROCKET HANDS! (*’splosion*)
Is Daniel Craig’s weird upper lip starting to piss anyone else off?
The Conspirator. DON’T YOU EYE F*CK ME MCAVOY! I’LL KNOCK THAT SMUG GODDAMN LOOK RIGHT OFF YOUR OVER-ENUNCIATING FACE!
I don’t think I’ve ever seen two more bizarre facial expressions on the same poster. What the hell is going on there?
Chasing Madoff. The only reason anyone gives a sh*t about Bernie Madoff is that what he did was a lot easier to understand than the guys who caused the subprime mess. But hey, what’s new. OH MY GOD, STOP THE EARTH, A CONGRESSMAN SHOWED HIS PENIS!
Captain America. I’ll take the retro posters over the dumb diagonal crap every other superhero picture has.
Captain America, international poster. Frickin dirt flying everywhere in this movie, how’s he ever going to keep that suit clean?
Bellflower. I still say that how much you enjoy this movie sort of depends on how much you read into it what isn’t really there, but it does have tits, violence, and flamethrowers, and tits, violence, and flamethrowers is enough.
Alvin & the Chipmunks 3, German poster. See also: AW HELL TO THE MOTHERF*CK YEAH WE GETTIN’ A SQU3AKU3L! I feel like the German version is more fitting, don’t you? ACHTUNG, DIE CHIPMUNKS IST RELAXUNDZWEIT! Those A’s are like little yellow swastikas all over him, his “hang loose” hands like Nazi salutes. Probably.
[All posters via IMPA]