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Comments of the Week: August 8 – 15

By / 08.15.11

Comments of the Week is back to recognize our favorite procrastinators. Just a quick note on how this works — you can nominate your favorite comments throughout the week by copying and pasting in the comments section of this post below. You can bookmark this post, or you can always find it at the bottom of Morning Links or via the link in the sidebar to your right, halfway down underneath “MORE.”

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the comments. The Rupert Wyatt Wants Full Metal Jacket with Apes post spawned one of my favorite comment threads of all time, but I think my favorite was spazmodic:

spazmodic: INT. NIGHT: Sergeant Hartman’s private head. Primate Pyle sits in the cubicle gloomily cradling his loaded rifle. Scratches his butt, sniffs his finger, falls off can.

Probably the most creative of the Full Metal Jacket Ape references, AND I can’t believe I didn’t think of “Primate Pyle” first. I believe that’s the first CotW win for the Australian. Honorable Mentions after the jump.

ThePirateShipRevenge says:
How about Dirty Harry with apes:
“I know what you’re thinking. Did he poop in one hand or two. Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself.”

Pulp Fiction with apes:
“But I do love the taste of a good banana. Mm-mm-mm. You know what they call a banana in France?”

Mo Charlo says: Hell I like you, you can come over to my house and throw feces at my sister.

Let me see your war face!
oooh oooh AAAH AAAH AAAH!

Fek’lhr says:
I WANT THIS ZOO-CAGE SO CLEAN THAT THE VIRGIN MARY HERSELF WOULD BE PROUD TO COME IN AND TAKE A DUMP IN IT!

Immortal 9 says: THIS IS MY BANANA! THERE ARE MANY OTHERS LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE IS MINE! WITHOUT ME, MY BANANA IS USELESS! WITHOUT MY BANANA, I AM USELESS!

I bet you’re the kind of ape that would f*ck a monkey in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to pick the bugs out of his fur!

Nazis Gold says: we live in a world that has trees, and those trees have to be guarded by Apes with Feces. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Dr. Zaius? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Koko, and you curse the Monkines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Koko’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and humanlike to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at bonobo orgies, you want me in that tree, you need me in that tree.

Fek’lhr says: Mama and papa were lying in bed!
Mama rolled over here’s what she said:
OOO OOO OOO EEE EEE AAH EEE!!! *chest thumping*

From Ashley Greene stuns MTV reporter with an anecdote about “homemade mojitos.”:

Brundlefly Swatter says: Too much cynicism, guys. Clearly she grew the sugar cane, mint and limes herself. She fermented most of the sugar cane into rum, aging it to perfection while leaving enough of the sugar cane to process into sugar for the syrup. Carbonated her own natural spring water. Blew the glass for her cup and whittled her own muddler out of wood from a sustainable forest initiative. I mean that’s the only logical reason to mention you made a homemade mojito. Anything less and you’d be a twat.

From Bruce Willis takes over Dennis Quaid’s role as “Guy slumming it in GI Joe.”

Chairman Kaga says: Ironic, since Ashton Kutcher took over for Bruce Willis in the role of “guy slumming it in G.I. Jane.”

Get it? That was a Demi Moore reference.

From Gary Busey Kicked a Kid in the Stomach:

Willy S: I kicked him in his abdomen. KICK. Kinetically increasing c*cksuckers’ knowledge. And then, ABDOMEN. All buffoons define order madly, enslaving novelty. KICK ABDOMEN. See?

With acronyms like that, you could be Busey’s psychiatrist.

From Kathryn Bigelow’s Bin Laden movie drawn into depressing political fight:

Watanabex says: I heard that for this film Andy Serkis is going to play Bin Laden in a latex and ping pong ball suit.

From US Weekly seems not to notice Robert Pattinson’s gay jokes:

Oski says:
Robert Pattinson: I really wanted there to be more of Edward’s past life. We kicked around multiple things like Edward being a cowboy or a WWI soldier, but pirate really intrigued me. I think I could have handled the sword fighting. My arms have gotten stronger because there’s this great shop here in Vancouver that makes wonderful chocolate and every time we come out in public I go there and just pack so much fudge before going home, just loads of the stuff. You might say I’m the brownie king. It’s not just chocolate though, they sell homemade twinks, I believe that’s what they are called. I love sucking the cream out of them before putting the whole thing in my mouth.

US WEEKLY EDITOR: OMG, Edward as a WWI soldier would have been awesome, there’s nothing else in these quotes worth thinking about!!!

And finally, from Stephen King’s book about time-traveling to stop the JFK assassination (in which I believe the lead should go to Wesley Snipes):

Chairman Kaga says: Wesley Snipes should yell “BLACK…AND TO THE LEFT!!” over and over again while he is beating the crap out of Oswald. Then he should pay his taxes.

Well done. Anyway, thanks for another week of making me feel like I’m not just talking to myself. I’m sure I’ll have some new FilmDrunk shirts printed some time between now and when the Earth crashes into the sun.


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