WEEKEND MOVIE GUIDE: Opening this weekend, it’s a pair of 1980s remakes, a love story that spans two decades, the introduction of Aroma-Scope (*groans*), our soon-to-be favorite clown movie, and McDreamy punching v-cards and saving lives.
Conan the Barbarian
Rotten Tomatoes: 25%
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“It takes a lot for a “Conan the Barbarian” movie to be flat-out idiotic, when you consider how low the bar is set already. But this remake of the 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger extravaganza flirts with absurdity from its opening seconds: Morgan Freeman’s voice is heard as the narrator, which is in itself the stuff of parody. Then we listen and get lost within two sentences, because the narration is so poorly written that Freeman himself probably didn’t know what he was talking about.
“It’s downhill from there…” – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle [MICK LASALLE IS THE WORST FILM CRITIC IN AMERICA! -Vince]
Armchair Analysis: Movies like Conan aren’t created to make us storm the gates of the Academy and demand Best Picture justice. They’re created for guys who like to have pushup contests on pub floors and for the bouncers who forcibly remove them. If you get your jollies from movies about juiced up nomads getting revenge, and you can see past the silliness of the plot and writing, then this movie should pleasure you. If you’re normal, it will suck. Or you could just read Vince’s review.