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This Week in Posters: SQUEEEEEE, ROBOT DOLPHINS!

By 09.15.11

This week in This Week in Posters: we’ve got a bundle of new Harold and Kumar Posters, Mission Impossible IV, Margin Call, Katherine Heigl rears her ugly head, and most importantly, DOLPHIN TALE! Enjoy.
Holy. Sh*t. Now, I know most of you probably aren’t as excited for this movie as I am (see also: my favorite gif), but between the little boy touching the robot-tailed dolphin’s nose in an homage to the Sistine Chapel and the delightful German translation (“HERR DOKTOR! FIX MEIN FREUND DER DELFIN! FIX MEIN DELFIN VIST EINE SCHPROCKETS!!“), this poster made me squeal so hard I nearly passed out. THE DOLPHIN’S BIONIC TALE HELPS TO INSPIRE INJURED SOLDIERS! A NE’ER-DO-WELL GETS A SECOND CHANCE AND A LITTLE BOY LEARNS THE POWER OF LOVE! THANK YOU, MARINE BIOLOGIST HARRY CONNICK JR.!

“Nach der wunderbaren, ze liefenchangen dem delfin!”
“Nein! Dem delfin eez MEINliefenchangen!”
(*sprockets dance*)

Mark my words, this is going to be the movie of the year. Dolphin Tale is going to be so inspirational it makes Seabiscuit look like a Dogme movie. (thanks to Stinky Peet for the fake German)

I’m pretty much over the found-footage/camcorder horror movies at this point, but if you put Nic Cage in that bed, took off hoodie guy’s clothes, and replaced his camera with a fudgsicle, I’m there.
I hope their eyes are closed to keep the Ark of the Covenant from melting their faces off, because otherwise this looks boring.
Get it? It’s about detachment, and the word is detached from ITSELF! Great poster though. Oh, it stars Adrien Brody and deals with an abstract concept? Stop the sales pitch, Charlie, I’m sold!
Is Joe gonna sword fight the robot dolphin? See, now THERE’S a movie.
It’s about Muslim football players, is what I take from this. Yo, East is the other way. HEYO, MUSLIM BURN!
From Hitfix, IMPA calls this the “sure-to-be-controversial” teaser poster for God Bless America. Hmm, the poster seems pretty tame — putting a gun to your head was all the rage in the 90s, just ask Quentin Tarantino, or Kurt Cobain, or this monkey. I think we’re pretty used to it by now. Anyway, I loved World’s Greatest Dad (except for the cop out ending), so I’m excited for Bobcat’s next one. Here’s the run down:

…the film follows a directionless individual who decides to go on a killing spree with his 16-year old accomplice when he finds out he may be terminally ill. Like many of Magnet’s projects, the film is set to start in VOD territory in 2012, before a theatrical release in a minimum of 25 cities. [ThePlaylist]

And now you know.
I posted the trailer for this the other day. I’m still scaldingly lukewarm about it.
Cool story, bro.
The Hammer is of course the story of Matt Hamill, the recently-retired freestyle wrestler and UFC fighter who Tito Ortiz thought had a soft head because he was deaf. Tito Ortiz, clearly the pride of CSU Bakersfield’s science department. Anyway, this poster doesn’t say anything about Tito Ortiz, the UFC, being deaf, or having a soft head. What a stupid poster.
You know what else is extraordinary and hard to shake? (*sprains wrist trying to point to crotch*)
Anyway, cool poster, I guess. At least I know what it’s about. The hell in this case being war, it seems to imply. Unlike Matt Ufford, I’ve never been to war, but Rambo says that “to survive a war, you gotta become war,” which I assume is true, as I take all Stallone movies as important life lessons.
“Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s make a movie about Sarah Jessica Parker and how great she is!”
It looks like whatever the photoshop guy shaved off of Busy Phillips’ chin he added to Olivia Munn’s face.
Oh my God, is there anything she CAN’T do? It looks like she hoofed it all the way from Midtown in those heels.
If you think I’m exaggerating about the subtext here, check out the email I just got:

See if you can keep you with Kate by playing the How Does She Do It?! game on the official I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT Facebook page.  Keep up with her for 45 seconds for a chance to win exciting prizes that are being given out randomly.

Well if the prizes are being given out randomly, why should I try keeping up with Sally Supermom here? As you’ve described it, it sounds like a tall order, friendo.
Is this going to be another heavy-handed parable about global warming? I refuse to be fooled by your adorable skunk pirate flags again, Hollywood. (*drives hummer to gun range, feathering hair with aquanet*)
BOOOO, SCREW YOU, IMMORTALITY MOVIE! DREW’S BOOK DID IT BETTER!
Wew a course Da Stafe’s new movie wiz inspoired boy a true story, innit. Oy kiw blokes wiv a focken chair aw da focken toime, don’ oy, Tommy.
Are there any poster designers reading this? Can anyone tell me why they don’t line up the f*cking names with the corresponding pictures? Or at least try? I don’t get it.
Is it just me, or does Paul Bettany suddenly look super Russian?
HOLY SH*T, DEMI MOORE LOOKS EVEN MORE RUSSIAN! How did they do that? Is there some Photoshop filter I don’t know about?
If Zachary Quinto and Chace Crawford were ever to eyebrow fight, it could furrow the Earth as we know it asunder!
We’ve replaced Kevin Spacey’s cheeks with nutsacks — let’s see if he notices!
Being the least-creepy-looking Olsen sister is kind of like being the world’s tannest blogger, but for those of you who do dig her, you’ll be pleased to know she gets nekkid in this.

In the film, Elizabeth plays a young woman recently escaped from a cult whose leader, played by John Hawkes, sought to control her body as well as her mind. Elizabeth has several nude scenes in the film, but the most bizarre is undoubtedly when her slender naked self is “offered up” to a guy as part of a kinky church ceremony.
Though she had never been nude on screen before, Elizabeth says she “didn’t flinch” at doing the scene, because, well, she really wanted to creep us out:
“The movie wouldn’t have been as disturbing without it,” she explains to GQ.”Taking away someone’s sexuality, making it something you don’t even own anymore–that’s the scariest thing.” [GQ]

I disagree. I’ve always said my sexuality belongs to the people. IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM! (*thrusts hips, knocks over priceless vase*)
I can’t not love Rutger Hauer. Also, “visually ravishing.” That essentially means the same thing as “eye rape,” right? Sounds great.
“The enemy vault is defended by three feet of tempered steel. If you get past that, there’s a fingerprint censor and retinal scanner that responds only to the commandant. And even if you somehow tunnel through that, which is theoretically impossible, you still have to beat the motion censors. Oh, and get this: the floor is pressure sensitive.”
“Not a problem. I just have one question, friendo: Are there any gays in there?”
Sidenote: I think they should change the title to “Mission InFreakinSanity.”
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhck.
YEAH, EWAN, HEADBUTT THAT BITCH! SHE’S TRYING TO STYLE BITE YOUR TURTLENECK!
I like the Puss in Boots poster where the puss starts acting like a real cat. Seeing him act like a badass, not so much.
I guess that’s one way to get the star’s head in the poster without it being a dreaded floating-head poster. But why the surprised expression? It looks like someone grabbed him and demanded, YOU! FAT CREEPY GUY! I’M GONNA LEAVE YOU ALONE WITH MY KIDS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! Seems a little far-fetched. Also, why doesn’t his number start with 555? I don’t buy it.
Why isn’t the kid on the left Asian? Diversity fail.
OBEY GARY OLDMAN. Seriously though, I’ll do whatever Gary Oldman says if he eye f*cks me like that.
I was hoping Undocumented would be a documentary for irony purposes, but alas it’s a horror movie. I hope it’s like in South Park when Cartman sings a song about minorities in the water park.
I TOLD YOU THE MINORITIES WOULD TAKE OVER AND MAKE EVERYONE SAY ‘HAPPY HOLIDAYS’ AND PRETTY SOON SANTA CLAUS IS DEAD AND THERE’S ILLEGAL MEXICANS PISSING ON THE MANGER! Damn you and your liberal bias, Hollywood, but I’m not fooled.
Haha, ‘mistletoasted.’ He’s like, literally smoking trees kind of. Also, isn’t this guy like a UN Ambassador now or some sh*t? Wait, no, here it is, he’s the “Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Engagement.”
More like PUBIC engagement, am I right? ZING! Sorry, I have nothing.
It seemed like just a few years ago, our gay actors were in the closet, and now, an openly gay man is wildly popular and waving his metaphorical penis in our faces beneath a headline that says “XXX.” We’ve come so far.


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