After the jump I’ve got the first full-length, theatrical trailer for the Steven Spielberg-directed War Horse, opening just in time for Christmas. With a script by Lee Hall and Richard Curtis, who have credits on Billy Elliot and Love Actually between them, it looks like either the epic Oscar-bait crowd-pleaser all the dorks on the internet think it is, or the most hilariously bloated act of unintentional self-parody the world has ever seen. The title cards read:
…Tested by battle
…Touched by kindness
MOVE OVER, MARINE BIOLOGIST HARRY CONNICK JR.! THERE’S A NEW DOLPHIN IN TOWN, AND HIS NAME IS WAR HORSE!
First lines of dialog:
“Wot is it?”
“It’s an ‘orse dey found wandrin about in no man’s land.”
“What koind of an ‘orse?”
“The miraculous koind, would be moy guess.”
Okay, first of all, who asks “what kind of a horse?” What are you, a horse doctor? It’s a f*cking horse. Four hoofs and a tail. What were you looking for, a social security number?
Next scene: a kid sees a majestic horse in a pasture.