It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of those indie, painfully earnest family dramas — a BooBoo Stewart vehicle, something sponsored by WalMart — where the incompetence of the filmmakers is outweighed only by their total earnestness. Which is a shame, because they’re pretty much my favorite thing. Today brings us a wondrous bounty called A Warrior’s Heart, a lacrosse drama starring Twilight‘s Kellen Lutz and Chord Overstreet (“I know what both of those words mean, but together they’re just a mess…”). The two share one of the most awesomely homoerotic locker room scenes since Val Kilmer’s air bite in Top Gun. “I don’t want you ridin’ my tail, and you know why? Because you’re dangerous. If you’re gonna ride my tail, punk, you better be gentle.”
Oh boy, let’s enjoy this together:
Ahh, a love story between “Connor” and “Brooklyn.” How adorably yuppie. I can’t wait for them to go on double dates with Madison and Cody, Devon and Colt, Rooney and Amsterdam. Also, is Ashley Greene’s entire function to stand around narrating? She doesn’t seem to actually be in any of these scenes.
- It’s great when she starts explaining the proud and ancient American Indian game of lacrosse, as if we don’t already know that it’s just a way for semi-athetic date rapists to excel at something without black people around.
- 45-second mark: Boom! Homoerotic locker room drama! “You play right-side attack? Well guess what, stud, so do I. So I am definitely taking your spot.” “Yeah? Well not if the coaches just squish us both together. It’s gonna be hard to pass with me right on your tail.” “Oh, I’ll pass alright. Not to burst your bubble, hotshot, but I’ve had a few guys on my tail before.”
- Smash-cut to: “SON, THEY NEED ME BACK IN IRAQ. THEY’RE GONNA KILL ME. YOU’RE GOING TO NEED SOME EMOTIONAL WOUNDS TO MAKE YOU MORE BROODY AND COMPLEX, AND IT LOOKS LIKE I’M THE GUY. BUT THAT’S WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. OOH RAH AND SEMPER FI! (*he charges into a hail of bullets*)”
- “Yoah nawt goin anywheyah, Conah Sullivan!” Oh snap! His mom is from the mean streets of Bawston!
- “CONNOR, WE HEARD YOU SMASHED A TROPHY CASE LIKE A WHINY PUSSY, SO YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN SOME LIFE LESSONS FROM A MINORITY NOW. I’M SORRY, SON, BUT SOMETIMES LAHFE IS JUST LIKE A LACROSSE GAME.”
- “Connor! I’m the gruff minority for whom you’re going to gain a grudging respect! Is that clear? Now drop and give me twenty before we bond with the kids at the orphanage!”
- “Ugh, but I hate it here! I don’t WANNA build barns with my shirt off!”
Then at the end, of course there’s a montage of smiling faces, and old enemies become friends. “You know, Connor, I know we’ve had our differences, but we heard you’ve been out here with your shirt off, hangin with minorities. And we think that’s… pretty cool.”
“You know it, bro.”
(*they shake hands, then hug, and we fade out as they give each other hand jobs*)
This looks super good.