I don’t know what else you need to know about this new Snow White and the Huntsman trailer other than that it starts with an XXXTREME! close up of a raven that immediately DISINTEGRATES INTO A THOUSAND RAVENS and fades into a close-up of some knights, while a voice over asks us:
“Do you hear that? It’s the sound of battles fought and lives lost.”
And right after that, a king cuts a dude in half with a sword and he disintegrates. MAGICAL DISINTEGRATING SWORD FIGHTS! F*ck magic apples, HOW YOU LIKE THESE APPLES?
It’s not your grandma’s Snow White, it’s the Snow White you dreamed about when you were rocking out to Papa Roach. Mirror mirror, on the wall, WHICH XXXTREME SLUT IS THE SLUTTIEST OF ALL??? OOOOOH WHA-AH AH-AH!
It blatantly steals the Inception BRAAAAAHM at the 1:10 mark. Also keep in mind that Hollywood is so hot on screenwriter Evan Spiliotopolous right now (one of three credited writers on this) that they’ve hired him to write drafts of Wanted 2, Ouija, an adaptation of Charles Fort for Robert Zemeckis, and most recently, Asteroids.
Here’s the official synopsis:
In the epic action-adventure Snow White and the Huntsman, Kristen Stewart (Twilight) plays the only person in the land fairer than the evil queen (Oscar winner Charlize Theron) out to destroy her. But what the wicked ruler never imagined is that the young woman threatening her reign has been training in the art of war with a huntsman (Chris Hemsworth, Thor) dispatched to kill her. [Apple]
Kristen f*cking Stewart. I hope ol’ Sun Tzu over here trained her how to not be Kristen Stewart, because that seems like a first step in winning any fight. I imagine a montage sequence of her slowly, gradually becoming not an 80-pound chick.