Weekend Movie Guide: Because Armond Said So

In Theaters Everywhere: Jack and Jill, J. Edgar, The Immortals

FilmDrunk Armond White Suggests: Jack and Jill, of course. It gravitates toward the median of brilliance and esoteric mental orgasmic sincerity. Jack is Jill. Jill is Jack. We are Jack. We are Jill. This movie is the centric positivity and balance that we need to forge ethnic dissipation. Plus, fat white chick.

Jack and Jill

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 2% critics, 69% audience (HAHA BRO!)

Gratuitous Review Quotes

“The performance is lazy and slapdash, the work of a comedian trusting too much in his own hilariousness. The result is that scenes between Jack and Jill are tolerable because of Jack. Scenes of Jack without Jill are pretty good or better. And scenes of only Jill are work to sit through.” – Vince’s high school babysitter Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle

“There’s an astonishing amount of whoring going on as well, with an Oscar-winning actor, has-beens and the almost-famous all feeding from the appearance-fee trough. Sham-Wow guy Vince Offer and Subway pitch-eater Jared Fogle, that I get. Regis Philbin, of course. But Johnny Depp in a Justin Bieber t-shirt? Et tu, Al Pacino?” – Linda Barnard, Toronto Star

Armchair Analysis: There’s a scene in the commercials in which Tim Meadows asks Sandler if his twin sister is identical or fraternal and Nick Swardson responds, “Nocturnal, like a bat.” Does anyone know what the hell that means? Supposedly it’s a joke, but it’s so poorly written that I can’t picture them rehearsing it without at least one person saying, “Wait, that doesn’t even make sense.” And then Sandler looks up from his script, which is printed on actual cash, and says, “I KNOW!” and they all laugh like assholes.

J. Edgar

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 41% critics (but it has old people make-up, gay guys and funny accents – that’s the Oscar holy trinity!), 78% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes

“Within the sprawling biopic that is J. Edgar beats the heart of a love story. The movie’s inseparable couple dined and traveled together nearly every day for the better part of 50 years. One was perhaps the most powerful person in the country. Both were men.” – Chris Vognar, Dallas News (Mmm, my pants just got tight.)

“Hammer and DiCaprio carry off the homoerotic moments with considerable chemistry, and a scene set in a hotel room where Tolson finally explodes at Hoover for not being able to express his sexual desires is one of the best in the movie.” – Charlie McCollum, San Jose Mercury News (God, I hope Vince asks me to see this with him!)

Armchair Analysis: I watched Clint Eastwood’s interview on “The Daily Show” about this film and my first thought was, “Dear God, I hope this movie isn’t as boring as Hereafter.” I mean, that movie sucked so hard. [Vince’s Note: or Letters from Iwo Jima. Blecch.] So then Eastwood started talking about it and he was so boring while describing it that I just curled up into a ball and fell asleep. And to think, I was excited about watching Leonardo DiCaprio dress as a woman and make out with other dudes. Don’t act like you don’t want to watch that.

The Immortals

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 40% critics, 80% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes

“Hyperion might be alluding to the squeamishness of the traditional female audience, for the movie is a feast for guys only: a Grand Theft Mytho video game in 3-D, apotheosizing the exploits of men who are their own gods, weapons and sex objects.” – Richard Corless, Time

“’The Immortals’ is without doubt the best-looking awful movie you will ever see.” – Roger Ebert

Armchair Analysis: I know that Mickey Rourke is making up for a lot of lost time with this recent resurgence in his popularity, but if there’s one type of film that he shouldn’t be in, it’s this 300 knockoff. Maybe if he has a scene in which he drinks cooking wine with a toucan, because it “develops layers,” but when I think ancient Greek king Hyperion, Mickey Rourke is just ahead of Jaleel White and Ian Ziering as people who shouldn’t be playing this character. That said, I don’t think this looks terrible, but I have very little faith that it has been pulled off effectively.

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