Opening Somewhere: The Descendants
FilmDrunk suggests: A bottle of merlot, that special someone, and Dream Zone Entertainment’s greatest hits. But Vince also likes Twilight.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 26% critics, 92% lonely, horny audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“By any normal standard, this is a terrible movie, with stilted dialogue and leaden pacing—every 15 minutes or so, the action stops for a musical montage involving slow-motion handsomeness.” – Dana Stevens, Slate
“Not so with the outset of the film, where we’re treated to an absolutely brutal wedding spectacle followed by an even worse ‘bedroom’ scene on what seems to be the honeymoon of eternal cheese. At the beginning of the movie, it’s not so much that The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part One is tone deaf as it is lacking any tone at all.” – Vince’s own Edward, Laremy Legel, Film.com
Armchair Analysis: What can I say that you don’t expect me to say? I’ve watched the first film in the saga, so I live by the assumption that the rest are just as terrible. I mean, they couldn’t have thrown together a worse collection of actors if they formed a casting line at Wal-Mart. But if my therapist told me that I had to pick one positive thing to focus on, I would say that Ashley Greene could make me watch Alzheimer’s patients reenact Ishtar.
SHE’S WRITING IN TONGUES!!!
Happy Feet Two
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 44% critics, 71% audience
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Everything that happens in Happy Feet Two is good-to-great. Azaria plays to perfection the super-salesman who may be as deluded about his powers as his gullible customers are; and Pitt and Damon, the Ocean’s Eleven dudes, reveal unsuspected comic chemistry as the voices of micro-shrimp.” – Richard Corliss, Time
“The film’s ace in the hole is Robin Williams in a dual role as daffy penguin leader Lovelace and lovelorn, motor-mouthed Latino penguin Ramon, who is over the moon for Carmen (Sofia Vergara). Williams is often a hoot, if not also a honk.” – James Verniere, Boston Herald
Armchair Analysis: Another month, another unnecessary sequel to a blockbuster animated film for the sole purpose of making a ton of cash without actually having to put much effort into it. And I’m not complaining about that. I won’t see this film, probably ever, but parents will take their kids to it because it will make them happy for a few hours, and producers will make yet another small fortune. But when it comes to films like this, as they cram stars into these voice roles for solid paychecks, I will take 20 of these films – Shrek also – over one Valentine’s Day or New Year’s Eve.
The Descendants
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 90% critics, 86% audience (I think that means it’s good)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“The thing to take away from ‘The Descendants’ – and the one thing that will give it some importance beyond this weekend – is that it contains one of the signature George Clooney performances. Along with ‘Michael Clayton,’ ‘Up in the Air’ and possibly ‘Out of Sight,’ ‘The Descendants’ is a movie that shows who Clooney is, what he can do, and what he means onscreen.” – The drummer in Vince’s Maroon 5 cover band, Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle
“All these actors are wonderful, and none more so than Clooney, who does something very difficult here: He makes decency magnetic. There is not a trace of vanity in the way he plays down his trademark glamour.” – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor (I think that means God endorses it!)
Armchair Analysis: I typically like anything that has George Clooney, but I have also vowed a life of pretending Men Who Stare at Goats never happened. Otherwise, I’m glad he didn’t kill himself after Syriana, and it’s pretty cool that he’s rolling around on top of Stacy Keibler these days. Based on that, I’ll probably see this.
(Clooney GIF via Uproxx.)