I knew there were things Mickey Rourke and I had in common besides a foul mouth, a love of rugby, and a soft spot for dogs. It turns out he also hated Moneyball! At least, that’s what TMZ concludes, based on this exchange with Rourke as he was leaving his gym:
TMZ Camera Guy: How was your workout? Was today a legs day, or was today an upper-body day? Dude, because honestly, leg days are like the worst. Why are legs so boring?
Mother of God. Now, before we go any further, I just want you to bask in the complete and utter asininity of that statement. Not even in the half-remembered glaze of an ecstasy binge in the midst of a bout with mouth diarrhea has even Tila Tequila or the cast of Jersey Shore uttered a series of words so totally unnecessary. If this guy had been the first caveman to employ speech, and he’d used it for these ends, the other Australopithecus would’ve rightly beaten him to death with rocks and mankind would not have language. WHERE HAVE ALL THE AUSTRALOPITHECI GONE? WE NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER!
ROURKE: If you ask me any more questions, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna tie you to a chair and make you watch Moneyball all night.
That’s it. That’s the end of the exchange. 21 seconds of footage. Waiting to see how TMZ will spin this into a story is sort of like pausing a Michael Bay movie right after a character shoots a car and trying to guess how big it will explode (a game invented by Danger Guerrero, incidentally). Got your guesses in? Okay, go!
[Headline] MICKEY ROURKE: ‘Moneyball’ is Frickin’ Torture
Brad Pitt’s “Moneyball” was 133 minutes of unbearable, brain-melting MISERY … this according to Mickey Rourke. [TMZ]
Yes, because that’s exactly what he said. Anyway, I would totally agree with him if he thought Moneyball was painfully boring, but I think it’s more likely that Mickey Rourke was simply trying to draw a parallel between TMZ cameramen’s intrusive brand of talk-rape, and Aaron Sorkin’s grating, rapid-fire dialog. Mickey Rourke is very clever like that.