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The Washed Ferrari Scale: Rating Michael Bay's Leading Ladies

By / 03.01.12

As we’ve discussed plenty in recent years, Michael Bay is a man of extravagant taste. The Academy Award-watching director and producer has a legendary fondness for making things go KA-BLAMMY as the hot action star of the moment rolls on the ground in slow motion while wearing an open button-down shirt, before he pops up to shoot a bad guy in between the eyes and rescue the smoking hot model-actress that very few people have ever heard of. Or something like that.
The latest super duper smoking hottie hot hot hot lady joining Bay’s stable is Israeli supermodel Bar Paly, who will star alongside Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Mark Wahlberg in Bay’s “passion project” Pain and Gain. The film is about two bodybuilders who get caught up in some serious crime stuff, but the whole time you’re going to sit there thinking, “Dude, what’s up with the hottie, bro?”

Paly represents something far greater than “just another one of Bay’s Ferrari washing bimbos.” Bay has always had a high bar – pun slightly intended – for the women in his movies. Whether directing or just producing, Bay tries to have one about-to-hit-her-prime young, attractive actress in his movies. Is it because he wants to invite her over to throw on a white t-shirt and splash around on the hood of his Maybach? Maybe.
But with Paly, and Rosie Huntington-Whitely before her, Bay’s ambition is on full display as he is clearly trying to create and stake claim in a new army of supermodel actresses. It makes sense, because he famously clashed with Megan Fox, who prides herself as an actress above anything else. With models, Bay looks at them as balls of clay. Firm. Perky. Palmable balls of clay that he can mold into what works best for him.
And if they play along with his game, these models may just have a huge future ahead. Ask the actresses that came before Bar and Rosie and take a look at their careers since their fateful experiences with the Master of KABOOM!
Bad Boys (1995) – Tea Leoni
Before: Bit roles in Wyatt Earp and A League of Their Own
After: Deep Impact, Jurassic Park III, Spanglish, Fun with Dick and Jane, Tower Heist
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 2.5/5
This was the beginning of Bay’s big screen career, so making us believe that Leoni could be a high-priced escort was a daunting task. But every mansion needs a foundation, fellas.
The Rock (1996) – Vanessa Marcil
Before: Nothing
After: Beverly Hills 90210, Las Vegas, General Hospital
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 3/5
Bay’s stock was rising with Nic Cage and Sean Connery leading the way, and just by that Marcil was able to land a solid TV career. Behold: Bay the Career Creator!
Armageddon (1998) – Liv Tyler
Before: Empire Records, That Thing You Do!, U Turn
After: Lord of the Rings, Reign Over Me, some other crap
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 2.5
Tyler was a hot commodity from the day her dad, Steven Tyler, exploited her teenage ass into his Aerosmith videos. By the time Bay got his hands on her, she was already established, so this seems more like a studio move. For Ferrari-washing purposes, though, Bay had actress Mary Ann Schmidt in the film in a small role, and her past roles (concubine, stripper, club hottie, nurse, bikini girl and bikini beauty) lead me to believe that Bay’s needs were managed.
Pearl Harbor (2001) – Kate Beckinsale
Before: Brokedown Palace, The Last Days of Disco, a bunch of small roles in movies you’ve never heard of
After: Serendipity, Underworld, Van Helsing, Click, Vacancy, Contraband
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 5/5!!!
Bay was clearly making up for the lack of eye candy in Armageddon, so he got himself some of this Beckinsale and he mixed it with another up-and-coming actress…
Pearl Harbor (2001) – Jaime King
Before: Blow
After: Slackers, Bulletproof Monk, White Chicks, Sin City, Two for the Money, The Spirit
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 3.5/5
Pearl Harbor was a power move for Bay. Traditional Hollywood misogynists told Bay that he couldn’t fit two hot actresses in the same blockbuster, but Bay said, “AW HELL NAW!” and he greased those girls up and squeezed them all the way to the bank.
Bad Boys 2 (2003) – Gabrielle Union
Before: Cradle 2 the Grave, Bring it On, The Brothers, Love and Basketball, a ton of TV shows
After: Ride or Die, Good Deeds, a ton of TV shows
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 4.5/5
In fairness, she would have been 5/5 but it would have interfered with the tooshie and that ain’t a sacrifice I’m willing to make. As for Bay, he owed us for Bad Boys and he delivered.
The Amityville Horror (2005) – Rachel Nichols
Before: Dumb and Dumberer, an episode of Sex and the City
After: Shopgirl, The Woods, Alias, Charlie Wilson’s War, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Continuum
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 3/5
Nichols was the first actress cast under the veil of Bay’s producer status. By this point, the Emperor was building his army, and the Jedis were nearly extinct.
The Island (2005) – Scarlett Johansson
Before: Match Point, In Good Company, Lost in Translation
After: The Black Dahlia, The Other Boleyn Girl, The Spirit, Iron Man 2, The Avengers
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 4/5
Johansson was already established in the biz, but you could argue that she was still just on the verge of leading lady status (I wouldn’t, because Lost in Translation ruled) and she needed Bay as much as he needed her. His windshield also needed two globe prints on them, BA-BOOM!
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) – Diora Baird
Before: A delightful booby scene in the opening of Wedding Crashers and then a bunch of minor roles
After: A deleted scene in Star Trek, a bunch of small roles
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 4.5/5
I don’t get this one. Maybe it was a down time in Bay’s career. He couldn’t hit home runs with every actress, but Baird is a tremendous – TREMENDOUS – talent. Hopefully this career is a grower and not a shower.
[Vince's Note: THIS IS A TRAVESTY! DIORA BAIRD IS WORTH AT LEAST SIX WASHED FERRARIS! I DEMAND A RECOUNT! ATTICA! ATTICA! *shoves cat off coffee table*]
[Burnsy's Retort: What has she done for me lately?]
Transformers 1 (2007) & 2 (2009) – Megan Fox
Before: The TV show Hope & Faith
After: Jennifer’s Body, Jonah Hex, Friends with Kids
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 5/5!!!
Fox was Bay’s first atomic bomb actress. Transformers could have been hand drawn, but the moment she leans over the engine of that car…
…it’s a blockbuster. But Fox also ushered in a new era for Bay, as she soured him on just actresses. He needed less to create more.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) – Rosie Huntington-Whitely
Before: Nothing
After: Nothing
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 4/5
She can’t act worth a lick, but she’s a Victoria’s Secret model and she shags Jason Statham every night, so damn it, she’s gonna have a long career.
Pain & Gain (2013) – Bar Paly
Before: The Ruins, Hyena, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
After: Who knows? Bay knows.
Michael Bay’s Washed Ferrari Hotness Scale: 5/5!!!
She does have some acting chops, so our hero has recovered from the scorn of Megan Fox. Perhaps in time, he can find it in his heart to once again make things go KER-BLAMM-O-RAMMO-POW!!!


TAGSBAR PALYDIORA BAIRDGABRIELLE UNIONJAIME KINGKATE BECKINSALELIV TYLERmegan foxMichael BayPAIN AND GAINRACHEL NICHOLSROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEYSCARLETT JOHANSSONTEA LEONIVANESSA MARCIL

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