THIS WEEK IN POSTERS AND PROMO STILLS: Before we start this week, a little housekeeping. Not to get too inside baseball, but I'm moving this feature to Wednesdays, since we already have Morton's awesome feature on the latest in DVD and Streaming running Tuesdays. Last week I expanded it from just posters to include the latest in promo stills, publicity shots, set photos, concept art, etc. Mainly, I just want it to be a place for you to get a nice little overview on the latest in movie happenings through pretty pictures, silly captions, and the occasional Photoshop. As is our way. We still cool? Cool. Stay golden, pony boy.
HAPPYTIME MURDERS, EEEEE! Above we see some concept art from The Happytime Murders, a sort of dark, Roger Rabbit-type movie directed by Jim Henson's son Brian that apparently takes place at some kind of Muppet sex shop, and was previously described as "Avenue Q meets LA Confidential." Holy shit this sounds awesome.
In a world where puppets co-exist with humans as second class citizens, puppet private eye and disgraced ex-cop, Phil Phillips [right], is hot on the trail of the serial killer who murdered his brother and is now targeting the cast members of the famous 80s television show, The Happytime Gang.
As the killings continue, Phil’s former flame, Jenny, is next on the list. It’s up to Phil and his ex-partner, Detective Edwards, to find the culprit, but as bad blood and old resentments resurface the clues start pointing to the only viable suspect, Phil himself. Now he’s on the run with only his wits and hard headed determination, as he tries to solve, The Happytime Murders.
Considering walking around all day with some art-school brat's hand up your ass all day is considered normal, you can bet those muppets are into some real deviance. The only thing keeping this from being the best movie ever? Katherine Heigl may play the lead. Puke.
Speaking of puppet-like things, here's the first poster for Ted, Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane's supposedly-twisted tale of a foul-mouthed Teddy Bear come to life that isn't called "Drop Dead Ted" for some reason. Last we heard...
Mark Wahlberg is considering the lead role in Seth MacFarlane’s Teddy Bear, a comedy about a 33 year old man whose Teddy Bear comes to life and poses problems for him as an adult when it gets in the way of a relationship with his girlfriend. The Teddy Bear is described as something that likes to party, pick up women, smoke pot, and play video games. Note, too, that there are roles in the movie for a racist homosexual, a woman obsessed with talking about men shaving their assh*les, and a “Jewish-looking” person who makes anti-Semitic remarks. [Pajiba]
Jesus was 33 when he was crucified, so I assume this is some kind of Biblical parable.
JUDAS: Oh my GAWD, can you believe how much that heeb meshuggunah wanted to chwarge me for sandals? I says to myself "Oy, what are they, made out of Frankincense?" Take a hike, I told that kike.
GOD crashes through the door, still drunk from the night before.
GOD: Whoa! Rough night, let me tell ya. Woke up next to another 14-year-old prostitute this morning. But don't worry! Pretty sure I used a lamb skin this time.
MARK WAHLBERG AS JESUS: Yeah, say hi ta my mothah fa me, cawksuckah.
Sidenote: I've been waiting three years to re-use this MARK WAHLBERG PEEING tag. People told me this day would never come, but I never lost faith.
Not really a poster, per se, or even new, but Edward Penishands you were promised, and Edward Penishands you shall receive. Yes, it is a real movie.
A door-to-door dildo saleswoman stumbles across Edward, and upon discovering the...advantages of his hand-substitutes, brings him home, where he falls in love with her daughter. [IMDB]
What I'd really like to see is Edward Penishands vs. James Franco's Dicknose, in a dick battle that threatens to tear Paris apart.
Picture via Buzzfeed.
Here's the first of three new character posters for The FP. The FP is great, especially the costumes, but I think the guys in the background might sell it even better than the main characters.
Trivia: The eyepatch isn't just a prop, Jason Trost (who also co-wrote and directed with his brother Brandon) wears that all the time.
L Dubba E (Lee Valmassy) definitely gets the best costumes:
Here's the first of a batch of boring character posters for The Avengers. Ooh, two pistols? You're definitely qualified to be a superhero. Wait, do you know jiu-jitsu? Okay, good, you're in.
Oh, and by the way: Hey, Superheroes-are-sexist crowd. Compare this slide to the last one and tell me who looks more like a pouty sex kitten.
Oh Jesus, now we've got a superhero who only has one gun AND no depth perception? The Earth is f*cked.
"Can we just re-use the Hulk from the last two movies?"
"Nope, sorry. We're gonna have to give him a bit more of a brow ridge to make him more... you know, 'Ruffalo-y.'"
STOP OR I'LL SAY SOMETHING WITTY!
I hope to see Thor get frustrated at some point and blow his bangs out of his eyes with his mouth. Total Viking move.
The racist part of me hopes that whoever they're waiting for is a crazed martial arts expert.
BUD I LOVE YEW, BALLA! LAT ADWURD MAIK MORE TEH SAX TO YEW. MEBBE THIS TIME TEH BEBBE WON'T BE VAMPAHR.
[yes, there's another Twilight movie still to come. Breaking Dawn part 2: The Sparklinging]
Is the centerpiece of this poster a guy with a bleeding butthole for a face or did this feature just get extremely Freudian?
Diane Keaton and Kevin Kline are both great and all, but why does the dog get second billing? I might have scrolled right past this without knowing he was down there.
Suggested tagline: "In a film you might one day watch with your mom.."
Does this film explain why poster designers constantly want us to tilt our heads sideways for no f*cking reason? No? Fine then, I'm not googling it.
Here's a fan-made poster that wonders what it would be like if Baby Goose played Walt Disney in a biopic. (Dear fan, Hollywood does NOT need more boring biopic ideas).
French graphic artist Pascal Witaszek released to the web over the weekend a poster of a fictional Walt Disney biofilm that lists Ron Howard as the director and features Gosling as a young, dreamy and hard-at-work Disney.[THR]
"Hey, girl. This Hitler guy seems alright. Organized labor is for commies, the only union I want is with you."-
Here's Jennifer Lawrence as Cat Nips Aberdeen in the eagerly anticipated The Hunger Games. SHOOT THE HUNGER, CAT NIPS! SHOOT IT WITH YOUR SPACE BOW!
Note: I still have no idea what the deal with this movie is. Trailer is here.
Rejected Tagline: "This prom night, someone's getting drilled."
Sweet Where the Wild Things Are crown. You think that was the theme? This might sound kind of gay, but Where the Wild Things Are would be a pretty sweet prom theme.
I don't like viral marketing for cool movies, let alone a third Men in Black that they shot before the script was finished. Anyone want to call the number? I bet it's just a recording of Willow Smith's latest single.
I wonder how many times that crazy Twilight hand-model lady showed up demanding they let her be the one to hold the apple.
Now that is one effective poster. Here's my idea for an even better one. "If political power derived not from consent of the governed but from slap-boxing ability, Sleepless Night would be absolute monarch of the universe." -John Locke Hammond.
I've yet to have this explained to me satisfactorily: Why can't we line up the actor's name with the corresponding actor? No joke here, I just don't get it.
Okay, joke: I think the plan is to hide her family behind her linebacker-esque torso.
John Cusack stars as Edgar Allen Poe, as he helps Scotland yard stop a serial killer using Poe's stories as the blueprint for his murders. That is not a joke. That is the actual plot of a movie that isn't tongue in cheek at all. I... no words.
The only thing that could make this better? Make it a buddy-cop movie in which Johnny Depp plays "The Raven."
Oy, Stafe eah. Don' make me blow dis 'ole city inta pieces wiv dis 'eah goigan'ic pistew, eh, Tommy? Jus open da focken safe loike a smaht boy, won't you, Tommy.
Here's Javier Bardem as the villain in Skyfall, the 23rd James Bond movie. The man has a way with funky hairstyles.
"Que pasa, meessir Blond. Ju esspec me to dye?"
If there was ever a site dedicated to juxtaposing the facial expressions of super serious actors with the expressions of the crewman in the background, I'd be a daily visitor.
Here's the first of a couple new images from the Joss Whedon-produced Cabin in the Woods (directed by Cloverfield's Drew Goddard). I haven't seen it, and it looks like your basic, crappy genre movie, but everyone seems to think it's amazing. So basically, typical Whedon.
When you look in the mirror and see a girl staring back at you, how long before you try to unbutton her top?
Ooh, is he going to make her his by docking heads? Is this going to be like some Avatar thing but without ponytails? Sweet, I love sexy sci-fi.
[Posters via IMPA except where otherwise noted]