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It's The 2012 FilmDrunk Summer Movie Guide!

By / 04.30.12

"Chill, babe. I gots this."



With Rotten Tomatoes scores currently throbbing at 97% (critics) and 98% (audience expectations), Marvel’s The Avengers is the perfect film to kick off the summer movie season this Friday. Sure, some people might argue that the summer movie season actually begins with Miley Cyrus’ LOL – also being released this Friday – but those people need to go back to singing “Achy Breaky Heart” at my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah, dammit.
Beyond The Avengers are some films that actually have us pretty excited about Hollywood’s collective IQ for once – but don’t you worry, there’s also plenty of crap coming out, too. Fortunately, this isn’t the end of the year, so I don’t have to focus on the crap just yet – I will still eventually see LOL because Vince loves watching my soul cripple – and we’re just examining the films that have the greatest potential to crash the box office this season, and put smiles back on the faces of the billionaires who only made hundreds of millions in 2011.
I’ve even taken the liberty of breaking the summer movies up into categories for your convenience (chronological list on the last page), and I am being assisted in presenting this guide by none other than Michael Bay’s pet tiger, Todd Brad.

"Goo goo, pops bro."



Further evidence that cutting arts funding is beneficial.



Battlefield America
Release: June 1
The Skinny: I’m having a hard time figuring out what this one is about, but apparently in the not-so-distant future, kids rule the underground with epic dance battles. Meanwhile, some dude bro is trying to help these kids hone their dance skills, because, really, f*ck throwing a baseball or building a car engine from scratch. There’s a future and financial security for everyone in competitive dance.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

HAHA THE F*CKING GIRAFFE IS TALL!



Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
Release: June 8
The Skinny: The animals voiced by Ben Stiller, Chris Rock and the mopey dude from Friends are back because everyone involved with the first two Madagascar films aren’t idiots and they love money, which is abundant during the summer, when people need anything on this planet to distract their kids for two hours. Hell, Madagascar 4 might be fully funded by Antonio Cromartie.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

Already saw this. The lesbian kills the street thugs, right?



Brave
Release: June 22
The Skinny: On one hand, Brave is the animated tale of Princess Merida (Kelly McDonald) who uses her talents and ambition to save her kingdom from an evil curse, thus giving millions of little girls an empowering female character instead of the typical damsel in distress. On the other hand, Merida’s kingdom is only threatened because she gets in over her head when she defies the law and makes a pact with an evil witch because she refuses to admit that she screwed up. So come for the inspiring story and make sure to stay for the underlying message.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

Michael Bay's ancestors' pet tigers.



Ice Age: Continental Drift
Release: July 13
The Skinny: This time, Ray Romano and Denis Leary need more money, because why do something new when you’re receiving gabillions of dollars for Everybody Loves Raymond syndication or being offered every cop role in every movie? I didn’t bother reading the synopsis of Ice Age 4, but here’s my best guess – *puts envelope to forehead * – the little squirrel gets him and the elephant in trouble, and the tiger, who is apparently going through a divorce, according to that poster, learns a valuable lesson about life, all while the environment changes and they’re threatened by an outside element and/or creature. *opens envelope* Paternity suit.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

Wait, an original animated film that isn't a 4th sequel? Bold.



ParaNorman
Release: August 17
The Skinny: Creativity is very important for children, because it allows the kids with talent to develop and those without it to cope with a life of cubicles and sex with ordinary women. That’s why I’m more excited about an original idea like ParaNorman, as opposed to “Hey let’s check add a chicken that farts named Whoopie Cushion to Shrek 12“, because it’s a new, fun story that will allow them to explore new ideas and emotions, instead of killing all the squirrels in the backyard and putting them in the freezer.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"Check it, I made fire, Wilson bro."



"Run! Burnsy and Vince just got here."



Hick
Release: May 11
The Skinny: Hick doesn’t necessarily have “blockbuster” written all over it – as it’s just the story of a young girl who leaves her abusive, drunk parents, only to fall in with an abusive, coked-up couple – but it does have Blake Lively in a cleavage-friendly dress, as well as our favorite “When the hell does she turn 18 so I can stop loathing myself?” actress, Chloe Moretz. Hold on, someone’s at the door… damn it, Chris Hansen. Anyway, Oscar and jail bait.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"I LOVE MENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"



Rock of Ages
Release: June 15
The Skinny: The idea of this musical – an exploration of the excess and glamour of the hair rock era of the 80s through the love of two small-town dreamers who move to L.A. to make their dreams a reality – is fine. We love celebrating the hilariousness of 80s music and fashion. The cast is mostly stellar, with Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta Jones and Russell Brand (in a role that he was basically born for) standing around doing something while Julianne Hough and Malin Akerman make my heart stop. But Tom Cruise as a rock star? Please, he’s more believable as a beach volleyball player.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

Still holding out for James K. Polk: Fairy Catcher.



Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Release: June 22
The Skinny: This new genre of historical figures and events being re-imagined with zany fictional plots is a huge guilty pleasure of mine, as I’ve stated in the past when being one of the few people on this planet who defends Cowboys & Aliens. But this one is so delightfully insane that it made me pick up the book, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. So I’m excited about the movie, because I am going into it expecting corny dialog and silly action sequences. I expect Danny Bonaduce, not Daniel Day Lewis.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"So, like, what's the deal with Audis?"



"Deer diarah, today ah kissed ah boy n he taste lik pappy."



LOL
Release: May 4
The Skinny: Miley Cyrus is Lola, or LOL as her friends call her, and she does something. Maybe she’s an alien or a human-pterodactyl or a champion chess boxer. Either way, Miley films are about as interesting to me as Miley music, but that won’t stop teenage girls from seeing this in droves. Do teenage girls still like Miley? I don’t care.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"Seriously, Botox. It's cheap."



Dark Shadows
Release: May 11
The Skinny: Barnabas (Johnny Depp) is cursed by his witch ex (all too familiar with that plot, bros, amiright?) to an eternity as a vampire, and then she buries him for two centuries, because women be digging. Hilarity ensues, when Barnabas is dug up and realizes he’s in the 70s. Will a once powerful vampire be able to handle disco music? What about platform shoes? Oh man, what if someone has a big afro? I may not be able to handle that.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

Please let there be a green bathing suit under there.



The Dictator
Release: May 18
The Skinny: Sacha Baren Cohen brings his over-the-top absurd social commentary back to the scripted film genre, instead of his remarkably better, trademark “GOTCHA!” style. The Dictator is about a Saddam Hussein/Qaddafi* leader who heads to New York City to address the United Nations, but is instead kidnapped and shaved by a CIA operative (John C. Reilly). The result is a broken man who learns humility by working with Americans to become an American. And all the while, you’ll be thinking: “This is hilarious… 5 years ago.”
*He’s dead, so I don’t care if I spelled his name correctly.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

The standard "Why did I do this Sandler movie?" face.



That’s My Boy
Release: June 15
The Skinny: Adam Sandler is a washed up 80s star and Andy Samberg is his straight-laced son, who is about to get married. I also assume this means Allen Covert is creepy, Nick Swardson is a gay guy, Peter Dante is stoned, that other guy is drunk and so on. A while back, I wrote about how The Vanilla Ice Project on the DIY Network was my favorite show on TV at the time, and while the show ended up being absolutely terrible, it did provide one hilarious episode. Vanilla Ice has a small role in That’s My Boy, and he made it seem like he was working on Philadelphia Gump: Roe vs. Wade for Schindler’s List. It may not seem funny, but as someone who is mind-blown by the success of Happy Madison, it just made sense that Vanilla-f*cking-Ice was bragging about being in an Adam Sandler film.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"Now watch this, watch it... see how funny you were in 40 Year old Virgin? Do that."



Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
Release: June 22
The Skinny: I saw the preview for this film a few weeks ago, and I thought: “This looks fantastic.” The premise is delightful – two people decide to help each other find their loved ones as Armageddon is taking place, to hilarious results. I want and need a hilarious-yet-heartfelt Steve Carell in my life again, ever since Dan in Real Life made me question why Sky Cake would punish us with such a terrible film. Also, it has Patton Oswalt, whose performance in Young Adult was fantastic. Also also, I’d let Keira Knightley punch my mom.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

My dreams. Every night.



Magic Mike
Release: June 29
The Skinny: HAHA YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH C-TATES IS IN THA MUTHA F*CKIN’ HIZZOUSE!!!!!1! Yo girl, check it – you been waitin’ all winter n spring n shit to see C-Tates grindin’ up on yo platinum grill like my homeboy Ginuwine, right? But yo girl, I ain’t sure I wants 2 do dat sh*t no mo. I make mad mutha f*ckin’ coffee tables, heard? So like, this chicken fly booty ho be all like, “Yo C-Tates, u should sell yo tables n sh*t” and I’m like, “Yo girl, check yoself before u wreck yoself, because C-Tates bullets is bad 4 yo healf.” But yo girl, u know dat boo B like, “Aw yeah, C-Tates, I behave proper-like, makin sandwich and sex, yo.”
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

Oh how I hope they're walking in slow motion to an AC/DC song.



Neighborhood Watch
Release: July 27
The Skinny:
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter: Four bros and dudes use their neighborhood watch meetings as an excuse to get away from their mundane suburban lives until they accidentally uncover an alien invasion plot. Look, it has Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill, and it was written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, so it will probably also feature cameos by people you love and edgy jokes that you’ll laugh at. This is the safe pick for summer comedies.

So moist for this.



The Campaign
Release: August 10
The Skinny: Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis play rival politicians… is all I need to say. They will scream at each other and call each other mean, hilarious things and Ferrell will probably be shirtless at least once. I would say that this is comedy’s safe film, but you never know if this is going to be Land of the Lost Ferrell or Step Brothers Ferrell. Either way, this will make you feel better about the world for an hour or so before you realize that real politics aren’t funny at all.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"I know kung fu, dude."



"2-for-1 drinks... at Rick's Cabaret... married couples... in free."



The Avengers
Release: May 4
The Skinny: Here, please allow this GIF to explain my happiness about the positive reviews of this film…

Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

The only thing that matters about Battleship.



Battleship
Release: May 18
The Skinny: Now here’s a GIF of my thoughts on this film…

Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"What do you mean my son can't have one of these?"



Men In Black 3
Release: May 25
The Skinny: Men in Black films are all of the following:

  • Fun
  • Successful
  • Entertaining
  • Ways for Will Smith to earn more money to purchase classic film franchises to put his wiener kids in

But mostly, these are fun films – the second being debatable, because of Johnny Knoxville’s inability to portray not one but two characters – and the addition of Josh Brolin is good news because he seems cool. He also has relations with Diane Lane, so he’s got that going for him.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

It's Charlize Theron Day at FilmDrunk.



Snow White and the Huntsman
Release: June 1
The Skinny: Here we have the second re-telling of Snow White that Hollywood thought we desperately needed this year. This one stars Kristen Stewart as rapper Snow, except she’s all pissed off and ready to kill the evil queen, Charlize Theron, who apparently kills less attractive girls to maintain her good looks. Even if that’s what she did in real life, I would offer to hold the knife. I hope next year’s classic tale re-told is Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and it stars Chris Brown and Rihanna.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

I see what you did there.



Piranha 3DD
Release: June 1
The Skinny: I’m just including this because the first one had Kelly Brook and Riley Steele frolicking in the water before being ravaged by tiny little fish, so I expect that a sequel with a suggestive title will try to recapture that legendary Tinsel Town love story.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

Every day should be Charlize Theron Day.



Prometheus
Release: June 8
The Skinny: Nerds, geeks and dweebs are going crazy over this Alien prequel, but dorks have been surprisingly quiet. As we have already very briefly discussed my appreciation for Charlize Theron‘s hot mouth – and I will one day finish writing my 16,000-page epic erotic adventure poem dedicated to her and publish it for the world to read – I will also state with great heterosexual confidence that Michael Fassbender has reached “Yeah, I’ll probably watch his new movie” status. I don’t even care about Alien, which is one of the best film franchises of all-time. I’d watch the two of them drink coffee and throw batteries at homeless people.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"I'm seriously getting too old for this sh*t."



GI Joe: Retaliation
Release: June 29
The Skinny: Who wants to pay $12 to watch Channing Tatum get screwed over by writers and a director that are clearly mad jealous of his hype and skills, son? You can’t piss on my leg and tell me you’re R. Kelly and you can’t replace C-Tates and Marlon Wayans with Bruce Willis and the Rock. G.I. Joe? More like G.I. No. *high fives Gene Shalit*
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

Someone takes Lionel Richie way too seriously.



The Amazing Spider-Man
Release: July 3
The Skinny: Spider-Man is one of the world’s most popular super heroes, which is why he’s always deserved better. This franchise could have used a few years of vacation before being rebooted, as the corpse of Tobey Maguire’s Spidey is still rotting in Hollywood’s spacious trunk. At the very least, they could have given us a new Italian Spider-Man. But Marvel is all about second chances – and third if you’re a Hulk fan – so maybe this one will be more Doctor Octopus and less Sandman.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!


The Dark Knight Rises
Release: July 20
The Skinny: I am very erect for this movie.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"Sssssomeone took my suede jacket."



The Bourne Legacy
Release: August 3
The Skinny: Now without Matt Damon – who I still believe will make a brief cameo, but it will probably just be a picture instead of the full frontal shot I started a letter-writing campaign for – the Bourne franchise turns its shaky spotlight to Jeremy Renner, who is rivaling C-Tates for box office stud this year. But unlike The Avengers, we won’t be asking ourselves why an army of space aliens should be afraid of Robin Hood in purple spandex when Renner is kicking the sh*t out of CIA agents. He’ll be doing it just because.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

Not the easiest way to forget The Recruit.



Total Recall
Release: August 3
The Skinny: Colin Farrell’s remake of the greatest film to ever feature a three-titted prostitute will not take place on Mars, nor will it involve a mutated dude with a strange talking baby growing out of his stomach. Hopefully, it will still feature the aforementioned tri-boob hooker and Sharon Stone getting shot in the face, or two of the most important things in the world, as I like to call them.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

"I'm driving."



The Expendables 2
Release: August 17
The Skinny: The first Expendables is one of the greatest films ever made, so of course the sequel will be made with the addition of Jean Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris. If they could somehow include Michael Dudikoff, Jeff Speakman and Rick “The Model” Martel, I think my brain would explode. Fingers crossed for The Expendables 3, amigos.
Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Meter:

 And now, a list of most of this summer’s major motion pictures in chronological order:


MAY
Friday, May 4
Marvel’s The Avengers
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Friday, May 11
Dark Shadows
Tuesday, May 15
The Apple Pushers
Wednesday, May 16
The Dictator
Friday, May 18
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Battleship
Hysteria
Friday, May 25
Men in Black 3
Moonrise Kingdom
JUNE
Friday, June 1
Snow White And The Huntsman
Friday, June 8
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
Prometheus
Friday, June 15
Rock of Ages
That’s My Boy
The Woman in the Fifth
Friday, June 22
Brave
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World
Friday, June 29
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Magic Mike
JULY
Tuesday, July 3
The Amazing Spider-Man
Friday July 6
Savages
Friday, July 13
Ice Age: Continental Drift 3D
Ted
Friday, July 20
The Dark Knight Rises
Friday, July 27
Neighborhood Watch
Step Up Revolution
AUGUST
Friday August 3
The Bourne Legacy
Total Recall
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
Friday August 10
Dog Fight
Hope Springs
Wednesday August 15
The Odd Life of Timothy Green
Friday August 17
ParaNorman
Sparkle
Friday August 24
Premium Rush
Hit and Run
Friday August 31
The Possession
7500
 


TOPICS#.lol#Miley Cyrus
TAGSAbraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunteradam sandlerBATTLEFIELD AMERICABattleshipblake livelyBOURNE LEGACYbravec-tatesCHANNING TATUMchloe moretzdark shadowsGI JOE 2HICKICE AGE 4MADAGASCAR 3magic mikeMen In Black 3NEIGHBORHOOD WATCHPARANORMANPIRANHA 3DDPROMETHEUSROCK OF AGESSEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLDsnow white and the huntsmanSUMMER MOVIE GUIDEthat's my boyTHE AMAZING SPIDER-MANTHE AVENGERSTHE CAMPAIGNthe dark knight risesTHE DICTATORTHE EXPENDABLES 2TOM CRUISETOTAL RECALL

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