Channing Tatum to star in 'White House Down,' for Roland Emmerich. No, seriously.

By: 05.15.12  •  34 Comments

"Yo Al Qaeda Predator, chiggity check yo self."

If you were worried that your Hollywood blockbusters were turning into an endless loop of Battleship, with uninspired plots and grossly unrealistic budgets, sleep well tonight, because Roland Emmerich and Columbia Pictures are going to save the world. Columbia recently paid $3 million for a spec script for White House Down, written by James Vanderbilt, who is the man behind the remakes of Total Recall and RoboCop, as well as classics like The Losers and The Rundown.

The premise? Die Hard in the White House. Except this time, terrorists don’t have to deal with Bruce Willis. Now they have to get past the hardest twerkin’ man in $ho BizNa$$, Channing Tatum.

… a Die Hard-style scenario of having the group of antagonists take over a building, in this case the White House, and having one man fight with limited resources against impossible odds and extraordinary obstacles.

Tatum would play a Secret Service agent who happens to be a single dad and must save the president when 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. is taken over by paramilitary group. (Via the Hollywood Reporter)

Can he please be the White House chef that’s also an ex-Navy SEAL? Oh, and can he also be an Army Ranger released from prison with the ability to drive any vehicle? Because that would pretty much be perfect.

However, I can personally assure you that this film will be unlike XXX: State of the Union any film you’ve ever seen, because I have received an advanced excerpt of the script, written exclusively for Tatum.

Int. Lincoln Bedroom – Night.
Secret Service agent Cole “Snoop” Baretta is in bed with President Jefferson Washington’s twin Playmate daughters, Madyson and Rose’velt.

Yo boos, dat was a hella fine freeway we just had, but I gots to get back to protectin’ yo pops’ neck.

Damn, Snoop, you’re the best at everything, including fighting for our freedom, driving a Mustang and sex.

Heard dat! Yo snap, girl, my walkie talkie B hollerin’.

Middle Eastern Voice
Attention Snoop Baretta, this is Colonel Ackbar Muslim and I have the President.


Colonel Ackbar Muslim
I am holding him hostage for $1 trillion.


Colonel Ackbar Muslim
If you do not pay, I will execute him.

Aw hell naw.

Colonel Akbar Muslim
And I will detonate a nuclear bomb at the BET studios.

Aight, playboy. But u forgots 1 thing. I’m da Navy SEAL dat make all da bitches squeal.

NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton” plays, end scene.

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