Opening Everywhere: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Brave, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, To Rome with Love
Never Heard of It: Grassroots
FilmDrunk Suggests: I’m very excited to see Seeking a Friend, which Vince reviewed if you didn’t read it already, and I’m one of the two people on Earth apparently eager to see Abe Lincoln, so there’s that, too.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 36% critics, 75% audience, 0% historians with an ax in their gash
Gratuitous Review Critics:
“On an unfortunate-ideas scale of one to 10, with one being ‘wearing white pants after Labor Day’ and five being ‘Green Lantern,’ this one rates about a fourscore and seven.” – Kyle Smith, NY Post (“Herp derp, witty history blurp.”)
“My question, then, is this: Why are there no black vampires? Surely there is one slave, somewhere, whose heart has been hardened by injustice and the lash just enough to grow fangs.” – Michael O’Sullivan, Washington Post (I included this quote because quite a few reviews are making this out to be some sort of race issue. That’s stupid. Shut up and stop being stupid. Review films and shut up. Shut up.)
Armchair Analysis: I’m beating a dead horse these days, but here we go… when you go to the movies to see a film entitled Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (or Cowboys and Aliens), you should leave your expectations for an Academy Award caliber film at the door. If you expect this film to be a dazzling masterpiece that effectively paints a portrait of the politics and slavery of the Civil War era, then you’ve missed the boat entirely. But if you want a fun story that asks, “Hey, what if a great American hero was also a vampire slayer?” then put your brain on airplane mode and just enjoy a silly action movie.
Vince’s Note: I don’t think people would all be talking about how stupid this looks if it had been even a smidge comedic or tongue-in-cheek looking. It’s not like people just decided to hate it because they’re prudes.
I want more like this!
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