Troy Kenneth Campbell was having your basic drunken day in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, Canada, when he was arrested for “dancing in the middle of University Avenue with a beer in one hand and a cheeseburger in the other.”
Whoa whoa whoa, officer, I didn’t know you could get arrested for being awesome at partying. So then he got thrown in the drunk tank, but otherwise, so far so good. That is, until he tried to do a little dance, make a little love, and generally get down that night. That’s when it all went wrong.
When he arrived at the correctional centre he was placed in what corrections officials refer to as a dry cell.
Dry cells generally have no running water and are used principally for prisoners suspected of having ingested illegal goods or other contraband which would come out of the body in a bowel movement.
When Campbell was exchanging his clothing for jail issue clothing he asked the guards if they had ever seen Cyril Sneer. Sneer was a pink cartoon aardvark with a very prominent snout.
Campbell proceeded to tuck his penis between his legs, bend over and jump up and down in the cell.
Weird, I always called the reverse Silence of the Lambs the “Fruit Bowl,” but this “Cyril Sneer” has a nice ring to it. “And then I gave the whole volleyball team the Cyril Sneer. Megan Reynolds even hurled, it was righteous.”
When he did so, guards observed that a piece of plastic was protruding from his rectum, an indication he was carrying contraband.
When guards began to enter the cell Campbell sensing what was up pulled a plastic bag from his rectum and threw it across the cell.
Well that ALWAYS works. “What, officer? I swear, it wasn’t even my butt! You can’t prove nothin’!”
The bag in question contained four hits of Hydromorphone, a narcotic used to treat moderate to severe pain. In court Monday Campbell pleaded guilty to possession of Hydromorphone and was fined $700. He must also pay a $105 victims of crime surcharge. [TheGuardian]
Ouch, $850 bucks. And that doesn’t even include the eighty bucks or so worth of butt drugs he lost. Anyway, goes to show, don’t do drugs, kids. Or if you do, make sure they’re crammed really far up your butt when you get arrested, you don’t want those things falling out when you’re trying to do a wiener-tuck dance for the guards.
[I forget who sent me this story on Twitter, but thank you]
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