James Franco is set to play a meth dealer opposite Jason Statham in Homefront, written by Sylvester Stallone. That’s right, Franco. Statham. Stallone. Together. CAN DA STAFE SURVIVE A DICKNOSING AND KEEP PUNCHING?! Add Baby Goose and C-Tates to this movie, and it would combine every object of FilmDrunk’s unhealthy fixations.
James Franco is set to join Jason Statham in Millennium Films’ action-thriller “Homefront,” which Gary Fleder will direct from a script by Sylvester Stallone.
Story follows Phil Broker (Statham), an ex-DEA agent who moves his family to a quiet town hoping to escape his past. However, he finds the town to be overrun with violence, drug traffickers and an evil meth magnate named Gator (Franco). To save his endangered family, retribution is now the only thing Broker seeks. [Variety]
RETRIBUTION IS THE ONLY THING BROKER SEEKS IN ORDER TO SAVE HIS FAMILY, WHO HE ALSO SEEKS, OKAY SO I GUESS IT’S ACTUALLY TWO THINGS THAT HE IS SEEKING! Hey, that should be the tagline. A little long, perhaps.
We go now to The Stath, for his exclusive comment:
Oi, conts, da Stafe eah. So I got dis new movie comin’ out, an’ lots a blokes is awways askin’ me, “Oy! Stafe! ‘Ow is it dat you is so good at always comin’ up wiv dese briwwiant focken oydeas for yoah fiwms? Each one is bettah den da next! Whoy, Oy’ve seen da Trasnporerah fifteen fousand focken toimes! Won’ you please come ovva to moy flat an knob moy fit giwfriend on da rug?”
Wew, to ansah dose conts – da way it appened dis toime, Da Stafe wiz in Da Stafe’s trailah on da set uv Da Expendabews 2, now weren’ Oy. Da Stafe ‘ad jus finished knobbin a fit bird from da makeup depahtment an oy wiz busy doin free or four fousand focken push-ups, when oo walks in da focken doah? None ovva den Sloy. Focken. Stallone, now didn’t oy. Sloy ‘ad jus finished ‘is daily routine of HGhaiche an’ metamucew, an ‘ad come ovah to borrow some of da Stafe’s free weights, now wasn’ ‘e. Stallone wiz doin’ some boicep cews wiv ‘is shir off, lookin’ loike a con-dom filled wiv veiny dongs, when ‘e wiz loike, “Oy! Stafe! Ooohheeeeyooooeeeeeeeyyy. Oooooaaaaagghooooeeey. Aa aaa ououeeegghy.”
An’ Da Stafe wiz loike, “Oi, Tommy, you tit, whoy ‘asn’ you transla’ed mistah Stallone yet?” (Because oy awways need Tommy to translate fa Sloy, don’ Oy, Tommy? In fact, if blokes wiz to make a fiwm about Tommy, it moight be caw’ed ‘Da Translator.’ Only it wid be wew focken boring, cuz da only bird you evva see Tommy wiv is ‘is focken mum, an da cont ain even got a bloody droivah’s loicens, ‘asnt he.).
So den Tommy foinly translates fa Mistah Stallone, an it turns out dat da veiny geezah wants Da Stafe to star in dis fiwm ee’s wroitin, innit. Oy ask wha’ da fiwm is about, an e’s loike, “Oeeey. Aa aaa ououeeeggh.” An den Tommy tews me dat Sloy wan’s me to play a cop oo used to be da hahdest cont around, but now ‘e is wew retoired an aw dat. Den one day, some filfy drug dealah messes wiv Da Stafe’s missus, and Da Stafe ‘as to come out of retoiyamen an’ bash aw da conts, an knob aw da birds, an droive aw da flash bloody sazz wagons again, donnit.
So den Oy tew Sloy, dat dis is da role dat Da Stafe ‘as been waitin for ‘is ‘ole loife, now ‘asn’ Oy? See, Da Stafe is always gettin’ toipecast. Da Stafe finks it wid be wew good fe moy careah to take a role dat’s a bit of a depahtah from da usuwew fayah, now don’ oy? An’ dis sounds loike da perfect oppatuni’y, donnit. Da Stafe is awways playin’ a cop, or a gangstah, or a guy oo is da best at droivin sazz wagons, or a cont wiv a mechanicew ‘eart an aw dat. Playin a DEA agent could be a perfect way to show dem shrivs at da Oscahs dat Da Stafe ain jus some hahd cont oo aw da birds love, Da Stafe ‘as versatiwity, now don’ Oy? Dis role wid give Da Stafe oppatuni’ies. Today, a retoiyud DEA agent. Tomorrow, praps a crippewed ‘olocaust orphan oo plays da focken cello or whatevah bollocks dem Oscah conts is keen for. See, ta tew da truf’, Da Stafe ‘as awways lived loife loike da only trophy dat Da Stafe needs is da fit birds dat Da Stafe knobs, an da flash sazz wagons dat Da Stafe droives, now don’ oy? But if Da Stafe is bein’ onest wiv Da Stafe, an’ Oscah trophy wid be wew noice as wew, now donnit. When Da Stafe wants somefin, Da Stafe droives up to it an frows it in da boot of Da Stafe’s sazz wagon, because dat is da Stafe’s way.
I want more like this!
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