Some movies are great because they’re insightful and life-affirming, others are great because they’re like slow-motion disaster footage from which you can’t turn away. The Paperboy, the new film from Precious director Lee Daniels, looks to be a beautiful disaster of Jonah Hexian proportions. I could explain further, but all you really need to know is this:
Nicole Kidman looms over a supine Zac Efron, cries out, “If anyone’s gonna pee on him, it’s gonna be me,” and then squirts an impressive stream of urine onto the High School Musical star’s face and bare chest.
And yes, it apparently includes a closeup of the stream.
No pee stream in the trailer because this country has gone soft, but there’s still a lot to love here:
- Nicole Kidman’s ridiculous accent
- Sweaty Matthew McConaughey
- A black girls singing group who appear to be singing a song about the plot of the movie
- Underpants dancing in the rain
- Macy Gray
- Uh… holy crap, was that a rape in the trailer?
Long story short, it opens October 5th, and I am SO THERE. Who wouldn’t want to see the film Pete Hammond called “A blast of hot piss to the face!” Peter Travers of Rolling Stone adds, “It sneaks up and floors you and then pisses all over your chest and face!” Meanwhile, Gene Shalit writes, “I stream, you stream, we all stream to theaters for the beginning of a new golden age! No Kidman, so good it gave me the tinkles!”