Remember these kids? They saw The Odd Life of Timothy Green the other day, and it brought to the fore their youthful inability to comprehend the inevitability of mortality. It was HILARIOUS! (See also: The girl who cried at Star Wars). Generally speaking, we here at FilmDrunk almost never condone crying – there’s far too much of it these days. Are you a Chopped judge touched by a contestant’s story? Are you on a reality show and haven’t seen your kids in a whole three days? Are you John Boehner? Please, get a hold of yourself. If a hard (but fair) slap across the face doesn’t sober you up, we may have to have you committed like old mom. Nonetheless, it happens to everyone from time to time, and it got us to thinking: everyone has that one movie that turns them into the proverbial blubbering wiener kid. So I did a poll of Uproxx friends and family asking them, “Is there a movie that always kicks you right in the wang, or a movie from childhood that you can specifically remember being more than you could handle?”
Most people hate and ignore me, but I did get responses from Spencer Hall of EveryDayShouldBeSaturday, Justin Halpern of Sh*t My Dad Says/I Suck At Girls, Laremy Legel, and Uproxx’s own Cajun Boy, Burnsy, Josh Kurp, Mike “Christmas Ape” Tunison, and Danger Guerrero. As well as my own response, of course. Hopefully it’s good toilet reading. Just try not to cry on the toilet, co-workers hate that. Don’t ask me how I know. Oh God, my fissures!
Justin Halpern: The Land Before Time
The only time I’ve ever cried in a movie was when I was eight and saw The Land Before Time. The first ten minutes of the movie are just a mom dinosaur and a son dinosaur hanging out and doing mother-son sh*t and I was ALL IN on that relationship. Then all of a sudden the f*cking earth opens up and the mom plummets to her death, then the earth closes up like it ate her. I burst in to one of those super hard little kid cries where my face was equal parts snot and tears, and all my breaths were super labored. Then when I thought sh*t couldn’t get any worse, my older brother grabbed my hand and stuck it under his ass and farted on it. Then I cried more.
Laremy Legel: Glory
When I was a kid my parents told me there was a federal law that mandated films had to have a happy ending. Even at six, I was skeptical, but they continued with the lie over the course of many weeks before I finally relented. They also told me Santa was a scam about four minutes after I became aware of him and that giant spiders roamed the forest, a mistruth I didn’t uncover until I lectured my science teacher about her appalling lack of giant-spider knowledge. I guess I had a screwed up childhood.
Anyway, when I was a wee lad, I managed to catch Glory in theaters. With my “nothing bad ever happens” framework firmly in place, I felt my team (Matt Broderick, Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington) was doing great. They were working the South like a speedbag, and hopefully learning a bit about racial tolerance as well. Fast forward to those goons charging up a hill, looking startled, flash cut to A CANNON RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, cut to a white frame, a cannon noise, and there I am in the theater with only my tears. Then, the most galling part, the postscript that indicated the North never even bothered to take that fort to this day, and that it was all for nothing, and my team lost in a big way. It was SUCH bullcrap. I was hysterical and inconsolable about the whole situation.
In fact, because of Glory, to this day I hate slavery, no matter what good arguments people have for it.
The Cajun Boy: Titanic
I wish I could say that the film that never fails to reduce me to a puddle was something more testosterone-laced, like Rudy or Brian’s Song or Shawshank Redemption or something. But the film I’ve never been able to watch without getting wispy is Titanic. Yes, as soon as Celine Dion starts singing my balls magically transform into ovaries, and by the time Kate Winslet delivers the “I’ll never let go, Jack” line I might as well be named Sally.
Go ahead — judge me. SEE IF I CARE!!!
[Editor’s Note: The writer of this segment has since been wedgied.]