Apologies in advance, folks, this is our first Comments of the Week post in a couple weeks. I’ll spare you the excuses for why it was gone if you just enjoy its return. Over the past few weeks, we’ve compiled a few funny comments, and a LOT of super weird ones. I don’t know if my Rotten Tomatoes approval has brought the weirdos out of the woodwork or what, but check out this weird new quasi-scammer who loves the Dish Network:
[Cosmopolis Review] Sadie Heldberg: I have to say guys, Rob and Kristen are over and the world needs to move on. On to more, important matters namely Cosmopolis. Interesting review Vince, I think the fact that Cronenberg is such a wizard at bringing the bizarre to the surface, is a perfect reason for him to take on the adaptation of Don DeLillo’s book. Although, I will not be able to see “Cosmopolis” in theaters due to my frequent business travel for Dish, I do look forward to having the opportunity to view this movie fairly. Considering my travels are work related, I am always with laptop and internet, so using Dish Online gives me the excuse to watch the movies I don’t have time to see in theaters, being away from home. Besides, with all the controversy surrounding Pattinson, I’m extremely interested in having another chance to see the actor conquer another role; I have hope in the young actor; I’ve seen what he’s capable of.
[Channing Tatum wants to direct Magic Mike sequel] allthatjazzercize: No way! I can’t believe there is already a sequel in the mix for Magic Mike. I feel so out of the loop since I haven’t even seen the first one! I’ve heard nothing but good things about it though. The ladies from my office at Dish couldn’t stop talking about it after they saw it. And with someone as hot as Tatum as the lead role, I can’t blame them! I’m going to have to rent that movie ASAP! Luckily, it’s available from the Blockbuster@Home service through Dish, so it will be arriving at my house in no time. Like you said though, I just hope the sequel doesn’t ruin the original; follow-up movies have a tendency to do that.
Those seem like borderline thoughful comments before the spam comes, don’t they? That has to be real people writing those, rightt? If this is Dish’s new spam ad campaign, I can’t imagine the ROI is very good. Also, you know where you won’t see these comments? On Breaking Bad posts.
This wasn’t as intriguing, but it seems we’ve got our first jihadist death threat.
[Innocence of Muslims may not even exist] XERF: ARTIST OF THIS FILM WAS VERY BAD HE IS BAD THAN A DOG IF HE IS BEFORE ME THAN I KELLED HI
Hard not to love all-caps anger so angry that it doesn’t finish typing. NO TIME TO TYPE FILLING MOLOTOV COCKTA
Than there was the rare and elusive “angry Aikido practitioner.”
[Judo Gene says he choked the poop out of Steven Seagal] Nage spirit
Well, its been known that alot of you out there yes you, don’t hide lil boys and girls making fun of Mr.Seagal, Gene Labelle can choke a chicken, but he can’t choke A MASTER LIKE Mr. Seagal, just like Chuck Norris and alot of kick boxing donkeys out there, Yall are all jealous of Mr. Seagal cause aikido is not an art of showing off but an art of winning without a fight . So yes mma is about a mix of boxing, kicking, grappling, wrestling, and wow jujitsu, which jujitsu is cousin to aikido in budo sense . So I wouldn’t fight in mma caause the rules say” let go of the glove” but aikido is based on hand techniques and i know alot of defenses from the bottom as much as from the top, you can perform ikkyo, nikkyo from any position and i hold a third degree in aikido, I would love to train a female to beat the crap out of Rhonda Rousey judo ain’t nothing not even close to an aikidoka Gene Labelle crapped in his pants if he would see me, and Rousey I am calling Gene LIAR AND I WOULD CALL HIM A LIAR TO YOUR UGLY FACE AND YOUR BUTT LOL YOUR BUTT LOOKS LIKE A MANS BUTT ROTFLMAO Kardeshian looks a hell of alot prettier than you. and judo ain’t nothing when it comes to aikido, oh and i would be more than happy to fight Randy Couture any time any day . It’s a great day to whoop somebody’s ass!!!!!!!!
Did i say Gene and Rhonda are scared for me to have a match with the not so natural couture, HOW BAD DOYOU WANNA SEE AIKIDO IN MMA MF’S!!!!! YOU AIN’T GOT THE GUTS
I can’t wait to incorporate “YEAH, I’LL SAY IT TO YOUR FACE AND YOUR UGLY BUTT” into my vocabulary as a way to emphasize arguments. I’m calling Strunk and White, get this added to their next edition. “Dear sir…”
This isn’t exactly a comment of the week or a hate mail, but I thought it deserved mention – if I can attempt to interpret the garbled syntax, it seems this guy was logging in to my eight-month-old post about the lady with two vaginas to advocate something called a “twin dick.” I’m not a doctor, but I think I can imagine what that entails.
[Lady with two vaginas says no to porn] pussy19821: get a twin ,dick, she l change her mind..
pussy19821: i did
pussy19821: ANY TWIN DICKS OUT THERE, PLZ CONTACT ME / HER. HUGZ
Aw, I wish that jihadist death threat guy had signed his comment “HUGZ.” You catch more flies with honey…
Finally in weirdo round-up, this guy has some ideas about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:
[Excerpts from leaked Ninja Turtles script] Tyron Leung: why is bebop and rocksteady krang and Dimension X in this movie and combined with avatar and transformers plot just make the damn mirage comic versions and their adventuers into a movie instead of gleep gloop sh*ty movie is he trying to take joel schumacher place hell i rather watch batman forever and batman and robin in 3d than this pile of sh*t.
and why do the turtles have parents and other species of there kind they are the only ones that are mutants and there foster father is a rat and how they a race of rats and turtles in that sh*t living together oh and whats next slash tokka and venus de milo in this retarted movie as well that f*cking up there mythology and what they are and there name no wonder peter laird hated this script
You know what scares me? The idea that that guy thought he was actually making sense. Free acid trip there, you’re welcome.
Okay, and now for your comments of the weeks. I’m not going to lie, almost all of them are racial. Don’t think you have to make race jokes to be funny, these just happened to be both. Except a couple:
[Donate your DVDs to Texas cancer hospital] jangles: Does it work the other way around? If I mail in cancer children, can I get Finding Nemo?
[James Franco's band sounds super James Franco-y] jangles: He seems like the kind of guy that would call his mother and say, “Hi Mom. It’s me, James Franco.”
[Sean Connery is fist pumping like a champ] Jessolido: Remember when you could pop a woman in the noshe like thish if she got out of hand? ‘Bepperidge Farm remembersh!
So yeah, even the non-race jokes involved cancer and domestic violence. These are truly the commenters I deserve.
[James Cameron says there could be Chinese people on Pandora] ChinoMoreno: Great. There are gonna be pterodactyl crashes EVERYWHERE.
[Dr. Dre is still jacked and has a nice pool] Stallonewolf: Why would a black man buy a pool anyway? It’s like Superman buying a kryptonite mine.
Did you catch the race-stereotype implications there? I’m just going to assume you did. And finally, one of the finest racial word play jokes in the history of racial word play jokes:
[The trailer for Spielberg's Lincoln looks super Spielbergy] Larry: There will be an inspiring-as-f*ck scene where Mary Todd hitches Abe up to plow a field, and everybody’s all, Abe isn’t a plowhorse, he’s a race traitor.
I mean, come on, that was brilliant. Give Larry the championship medal (or maybe a wreath, like a horse?) and Jangles rookie of the week.