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‘Lincoln’ Has A Teaser Trailer, Spoiler Alert: He Dies

By / 09.11.12

On Thursday, people who actually use their Google+ accounts can log in for a special Q&A Google Hangout with Lincoln director Steven Spielberg and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who plays Robert Todd Lincoln, after the official trailer for the film that is going to win eleventy billion Oscars is released. If you’re unfamiliar with the story of Lincoln, he is generally regarded as one of the greatest presidents in American history. Born in a log cabin, Lincoln’s father was a pioneer in a special kind of logs that made it even easier for people to build their own homes, and that was important because small children were often left to run entire families since the average life span of that era was 9 years.

Eventually, Lincoln grew really tall and people were like, “Well you’re the tallest bro, so you get to be president” and Lincoln was all, “Only if I get an awesome hat” and the Supreme Court voted 4-3 that he could have that awesome hat. Soon, a giant war broke out between the North and the South, because British people were still really pissed that we weren’t sending money home anymore, so they told the southern states that the North was saying really f*cked up things about them. That war became known as the War of 1812.

Some historians claim that the war was based on the economy, because the southern farmers and people in Plantation, Florida were creating all of these jobs, but they forgot to pay their employees and that violated Lincoln’s stimulus package. Plus, Apple didn’t exist yet so nobody could ask Siri how to stop a war, so Lincoln was finally like, “Yo Ulysses S. Homer, go f*ck those guys up” and Bobby Lee was like, “GRRRRR, F*CK YOU, ATLANTA!” Thankfully, both sides finally ran out of bullets and they flipped a coin and the North won, which caused one of the biggest unemployment periods in American history.

Then Lincoln went on to be a guest speaker at Estelle Getty’s charity events, and eventually some dude shot him at a movie because he forgot to put his cell phone on silence. I just hope that Spielberg stays true to the actual story and doesn’t get all Hollywood on us.

(Special thanks to the Florida education system for giving me a lifetime and wealth of incredible knowledge.)

TAGSHistoryJoseph Gordon-LevittLincolnsteven spielbergTeaser Trailer

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